This is not a rant. This is me feeling the need to take a moment and express my feelings to "blog world" about something that is frustrating me to the brink of insanity. I live for my friends, I don't let people in often to avoid the inevitable of, getting hurt. I have met few people over the course of my time here on earth, that has left a lasting impression on me. Sarah is one of those people. I don't know why I love her sometimes, but I do, wholeheartedly.
We have known each other since 6th grade, so about 9 years now. Nine years is a long time considering, we are currently 19 and, I can't really remember the first ten years that well so, you get the picture. We have grown up together actually, only not so much "together" anymore.
I could write a book on how horribly mistreated she is or, how I was mistreated during mine and his "friendship" but, I feel like that would be distasteful on my part. He is someone that I have erased from my life, with good reason. You can only hand out so many chances before you realize you are getting played over and over. That game is over now.
The most important thing for me is having my best friend remain in my life. It seems to be a losing battle. She expresses to me how much she wants to hangout yet, brushes off the idea of ever, actually hanging out. Not by any choice of her own. It has been months since I have seen her, I can't even have a normal conversation with her unless it is late at night when she is at home, alone. I am not the in the "best" of moods during our conversations either. I should not be so umm, moody, towards her but, I feel so hurt by her not making more of an effort to keep this friendship going that I lash out at her. I do feel horrible about it, I wish I didn't feel so hurt by this but It is starting to take its toll on me. I don't want all of her time just, a day every now and then, an hour even. I miss this girl more then anyone could ever imagine. I don't find my requests to be at all,
unreasonable.
I would never post privet conversations between her and I on here even though, doing so would greatly justify my reasoning. I can't stand hearing her cry, I can't stand not hanging out like we used to. I accept her relationship, even if I think it is a mistake I would still never try to "hurt" her relationship. All I ask is for the same respect. If I could remain friends with her meaning, get to see her once in a while, I would have no problem with what she chooses to do with her "personal" life however, that is not the case.
I know she loves me, against peoples wishes. She may not show it, but after all we have been through together, I am sure I have impacted her life, in some way. I hope if she reads this she is not upset with me. I am not writing to "bash" anyone. Truth be told, I still very much care for James, I just wish things could be different.
I will always, always be here for her, even when I tell her otherwise. I love her so much, and will continue to do so regardless of what the future holds.
