Ummm.

So, for some reason today my mom is being decent to me. I swear our relationship is bipolar. I always love her, she thinks I don't or says she thinks I don't. Ridiculous. She is in a bad mood most of the time, which I mean bills and stuff I guess I understand. I am an acquired taste haha, sometimes we fight but that don't mean I don't love her. I don't think she gets how different I really am these days, If I am happy, it seems like she is in a bad mood. I think that was the other way around a few months ago. It is like my parents have two different personalities. They have the side that is caring and understanding and then, the other side...which we will not discuss. It is not a pretty site, I guess I have that same problem. I am either in a really good mood or, the worst mood ever. I guess my point being that, my mom is actually in a good mood, I don't think she gets how much I do like talking to her. My dad too, when he is in a good mood. Like when we go on vacation somewhere he is in a completely different mood, so nice. We never get along it seems but, on vacation, we get along great. As soon as we get home...not so great. My mom is wanting my sister to go with me to see Allison and Adam, I think that would be pretty cool. I am not sure if she would go or, even wants to. I know she likes Allison but, lets face it my whole family is a hater when it comes to certain people. I don't care :) more for me! haha I wanted my mom to go but, she is right, putting who is performing aside, my sister and I have so much more in common. Not to mention, talent is talent, loud music and lasers make everything better. I know she would have fun, plus it is something to do together, I miss that. When it is just us, she seems more...fun? I don't know the word...haha. She is the one who got me hooked on Eminem, and I heard sooo many stories about her. I don't think we are really all that different. I think she is just a grown up and I am...getting there. Who knows, it is never too late to be young though I know that much. As for my mom, I think she wants to go to the concert but, not really. She is really pushing the idea of my sis and I going, which I am fine with. I do want to do something with my mom though, I would love to go with her to a concert less, uptempo and, more her speed. I got these tickets for free, I am sure I figure something out. haha...ok enough venting for the day.

Self Help

Okay, so I am not even going to mention the "best" friend who is really pathetic in this blog. That matter seems really irrelevant to this one.

My nephews birthday was yesterday. They had a party for him like always at "their" house which tons of people came to I am sure. I will start out by saying I was NOT invited to this event, yes the excuse "you don't have to invite family" is a lovely one indeed but, taking in to consideration the recent "family" problems...I am not showing up uninvited. I did find out about the party a few hours before it happened, my mom went, don't remember being asked to go either. I could of happened, but I doubt it.

Reason one for not going besides the obvious "not getting invited" or being notified of the party at all, OR even having contact with that part of my family in 2 or 3 weeks...I don't have any money for a gift. Yes, presents don't mean much, and a 10 or fifteen dollar present is not that important anyways. If you were to take into account the fact that I have spent quite a bit of money on them over the last year, which I did not mind, then I guess that would be reason enough. I still don't want to show up empty handed.

I could bitch about the fact that I don't have money is "all her fault" but, It is not her fault at all. I take responsibility for not having a job. The fact that she CONVENIENTLY did not need me the VERY same day the Betsy bus was over, well I am sure that was just a coincidence. She can throw all the legit reasons out there and the fact that I was not needed as a ride anymore is still the most logical one. I was supposed to babysit, then WITHOUT being asked It got turned into a taxi service. If I was asked, it would of been different. Looking back on it, I am glad I don't "work" for her anymore. That was a rough time in my life, no one knows half the stuff that went on that attributed to my attitude. I am not "good" enough to watch her kids, not "christian" enough, not conservative enough, I might not yell at her son every time he looks at a "girl" toy. Of course, this is just the way I feel. She has never actually said those words. To be honest, I feel all of those things from her husband, not from her that much. I understand she wanted someone more "mature" to watch them, and I am sure that is the reason. As sarcastic as I am about the "bus" thing, that could of actually been a coincidence. To me though, at that time, it was the only thing that made sense. I guess, another contributor to my "attitude" around this time was, I was sick of seeing her being a mom, and wife. I wanted her to JUST be my sister again. I guess I will never have that again, which is understandable, I just miss it. I don't say it but, I miss it.

I always put those kids first, I learned to much from keeping them. In hindsight, I wish I would of enjoyed it more. I get so nervous with them, scared to death they will get hurt or choke or something, maybe I was too protective at times. Near the end, I was living in my personal hell, not anything to do with them, just emotionally hit a wall. I am still kind of hitting that wall only, no where near as hard. I miss them, everyday. If not for them when I was actually going through "personal" issues, I don't think I would of lasted that long. Those kids gave my life meaning, now...I feel like I have none at times. They loved me for me, they didn't judge because they have not learned how to yet. They let me know that no matter how "bad" things seemed in my "real" life, I was important. Now I don't have them. I don't have that feeling anymore. I need to learn to live without it I guess, considering the whole reason I started writing this was because I just got accused TWICE of not caring about my nephew. Now I know that one of those times was a misunderstanding but, when my mom said it just meant it. I yell, and it makes me angry to ever get accused of something like that. I guess no one sees or cares that I cry, a lot. I don't like seeing them. I let them down. They need people in there lives that they can look up to, it has been made clear that I don't fall under that category. Which I somewhat understand. I can't stand the kids even being here, I hate it. It kills me. They used to be mine for a few days a week, now it is like that never happened. In no way does that mean I don't care about my nephew...that accusation is disgusting.

The other reason I did not go, or would of chose not to if I had in fact, been invited is...I don't like that house. The house they live in is the same house I spent many, many days and nights in growing up. The same house I begged to go to every chance I got. The same house I lost a part of myself in that I will never get back. I watched my grandfather take his last breath from the window of the living room in that house. If there was one moment in my life that I can remember EVERY single detail to, it would be that one. Every word, look, sound, emotion, everything. There has not been one time that I have been at that house and not thought about my grandfather. I know it happened when I was in the 5th grade, I should not still be upset over it but, that day changed me. It was the first time a death really affected me. No one, knows what I went through. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, which sounds twisted I know but, I don' like looking weak I guess. I really don't know why I act that way with death. I do know I cry, every time I think about it though. The reason that house bothers me is because it is completely different. I don't like change, at all. It sounds stupid and petty but them changing that house felt like them erasing my grandfather. I understand how stupid that sounds and I should not feel that way but, I do.

I don't care that much for my sister's husband either. I know he is a great guy, and all I want is him to treat her and the kids good. As far as I can tell he is amazing. He does so much for his family which makes him really hard to dislike, I still manage to though. Once again, all my reasons are dumb. I don't like the fact he took my sister away from me, I don't like the fact he changed everything, I don't like the fact like because of him my family has had many problems, because of him I saw how cruel my parents can be. None of these reasons are ANY reason to dislike him. It is not his fault my sister fell in love with him, and it is not his fault my parents showed their ignorance involving their close mindedness. I just did not want to have to go through that. Not having her in my life for a period of time was not her fault or his fault, that falls on my parents. That does not mean I don't still hold him responsible for everything. He is a much easier target. Trying to hate my parents or sister for it is nearly impossible. I know I should get over it but, like many other things in my life, I can't let things go. I don't agree with the way he thinks, we are two very different people. He gets on my nerves at times with the way he cares, which is way too much at times. With that said, none of that matters to me, he is a wonderful person and I can't deny that fact but, I still hold him responsible for a lot that has went wrong. I don't know how to let that go. I spent way to many nights crying over not being able to see my sister because of him to just let it go. Funny thing is, until I started writing this, I didn't understand why I felt the way I do towards him. Maybe now that I understand it, I can work towards fixing it.

I started writing this to bitch and vent, now I have been crying for the last hour. I guess that normally happens when I start writing out of anger. The fact that I use anger to cover up every other emotion is most likely the reason. I don't mean to, it just happens. That is something my parents will never understand. All we do is fight, I love them more then they will EVER know, they don't believe that though...even when I say it. I understand, I tell them they don't "really" know me and, if they would take the time to listen to me rather then judge and accuse me of things they might better understand me. Of course they just claim to know me and rattle of a bunch of negative words to describe me, most true, on the outside. Inside I am much deeper, I have not yet figured it out though. Sometimes I stop trying to understand the way I feel about certain things because it scares me. I am not sure I know the difference between how I really feel and, how my parents say I feel. I don't know, it is as confusing as it sounds.

I have changed so much in the last few months, ever since I had that big falling out with my family. I have looked at life so differently, in a more positive way. I feel that slowly backtracking and, I am trying to stop it. My parents are understandably angry with me but, I don't know how to make them understand. They see me doing "nothing" and they point that out every chance they get. I am not doing "nothing" I am working on myself, which sounds like a excuse, maybe it is but, it seemed to of helped. I cant explain what I am talking about, I can but, it don't really make any sense. I literally broke, my own personal rock bottom not to long ago. I felt like I had nothing and no one. Of course that was untrue but, reality and, the way I felt were not on the same viewpoint.

As far as what to do with my life now, I don't know. I don't feel strong enough to do anything, I don't want to break like I have before. I want to be confident in everything and live up to my potential. I feel stronger, not strong enough. I am a working on it. Everyday. I look up different careers, colleges, places to live, cities I would like. It might not seem like much but to me, it is all apart of the bigger picture. I am not going to just go out and hope for the best, eventually I will but, I am lucky enough to be able to research and that is what I am doing. I want out of here, I want to start my life. I just broke completely in half a few months ago and since then I have started thinking like a whole new person. I am thankful and grateful for everything I have. I just want a different lifestyle. I don't want to live around here, I am searching for something I can relate to. I am terrified, but it gets better every day, until I get yelled at that is. I will figure it out, I am in no rush. I want to have a degree in college by the time I am 27. Before then is soooo much better but, as a target. I am looking for something more then a "degree" I am looking for meaning. Until I find it, money, power, none of it means anything. To me anyways. School was a awful awful time for me, never good enough, so self conscience about everything. I know it is college, and things are different there but, I want to be more comfortable with myself before I go back. I want to get the most out of the experience. I want to take public speaking classes and classes that I would of never thought about taking a few months ago. I am not ready for that yet though and, I don't want that to hurt my chances of succeeding. If I can get over some issues and have more confidence I might actually be able to reach some of my dream goals. I wish people would respect that, I know me better then anyone else. I will not let anything hold me back because I am "scared" anymore but, I need to feel able to handle it. I am about 70% there, maybe not that much. Depends on the day.

I want a career that is not going to be easy no matter how I go about it. I don't know if I want to work in journalism because besides the fact that I am horrible at spelling and grammar, I only want to write about certain topics which, is not a option. I would love to go into photography, not commercial photography but, creative photography. Something my budget would never allow. Of course any aspect of the entertainment business, from music, TV, movies, theater, tours, all behind the scenes of course. I am so interested in the production of everything. Lighting, sound mixing, travel, production set up, management, costumes, make up, writing budgeting, venue set up. Anything really, any small or big part that helps put together a entertaining piece for someone. From a picture to a play, movie, song, concert anything. I have no interest what so ever in fame, fortune, partying, the glamor of the business. I like what goes on behind the scenes. Jobs are very competitive, very. I would love to work in fashion and theatrical make up but, I find that to be more of a stretch for me artistically. I might enjoy it the most but, I don't think I am the best at it. Also, on a more realistic level sociology and public relations are very interesting to me. I don't know, I will figure it out. ME, not anyone else.

Wow, I just wanted to bitch about some stuff and it turned into a self therapy session...go figure.

I am sure no one will read this (probably best that way) but, excuse all the grammar and spelling mistakes.

Hot.

It is sooooo hot these days. Anyways...I am watching some tornado thing on the weather channel...sick. I love stuff like that. I am talking to Sarah, I guess she is going to be single soon...I hope, if not this friendship is not going to be that great. So, lets see...I know she don't want to live like this, she is just scared. I want to be mad at her but when she cries...its impossible. I love the girl...which is why I refuse to see her miserable like she is. Oh well, going to bed.

DONE

Yep, Sarah came over. The night went okay, I guess. She did fight with that thing she claims but, nothing over the top. I thought the night went okay all together. It was really good to spend time with her after 4 months. I asked her yesterday not to just get up and leave the next day so we could hangout a little more before she left, since she didn't get to my house till almost eleven at night. She said she wouldn't because he didn't wake up till after twelve anyways. So this morning I wake up, no Sarah anywhere...she just got up and left without even saying bye. That is pretty much the last straw for me. Ya know, when I went to her house earlier that day (which of course James don't know about) and all she did was fight with him on the phone, I thought that would be the end of it. I heard every word he had to say for over a hour. How many times can someone call you a "stupid fucking whore" and tell you "I hope you die, I hope when your driving you get hit by a tractor trailer and die" It is disgusting. I love her so much but, that is ridiculous. When she grows up I will love to have her in my life, until then, I can't do this anymore. It hurts to bad to see someone I love and consider my family to go through this everyday. If she wants out of this mess I am here for her but, I have done all I can do. It is up to her now. Congratulations you stupid bastard, you get her all to yourself now. Have a wonderful life...she is not happy but, you don't care. Oh well, I am moving on to positive things which I have been doing for the last few months. Drama is not in my life anymore and I plan to keep it that way. On the other had I found some quotes I really love...



If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. ~Frank A. Clark


We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive



People are pretty much alike. It's only that our differences are more susceptible to definition than our similarities. ~Linda Ellerbee


The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. ~Lynn Lavner



No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. ~Rita Mae Brown, speech, 28 August 1982


Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. ~Henry Emerson Fosdick


Present your family and friends with their eulogies now - they won't be able to hear how much you love them and appreciate them from inside the coffin. ~Anonymous

Lyrics of the Day

Artist: The Citizen Vein

Song: Beyond The Sky

All we wanna know is where we're goin’ when we die
All this killing so we can reach beyond the sky
Set us ablaze and wander deserted
Ignorance plays in
Truth is averted.

Song: Chalice

this burning desire isn't a face
come inside, I'm changing my way
no one alive will have a restraint
everyone lies and justice is raped
everyone lies and justice is raped

who to trust
through the dusk
weapons of lust turned to dust
who to need from the greed
weapons of lust stolen from under us
everything's right the chalice is raised.

Song: Rough Trade

You've got a gift to give, and
The shadows come and go, and
You've got a gift to get, oh
Rough trade
Rough trade
I'm not preaching, I just wanna tell you
Don't buy what these people will sell you
I'm not preaching, I just wanna tell you
I made a rough trade


My Daddy raised by the Sinner
Told Devil lies with dinner
Three meals, the ones to have holy crusade
Rough trade

Writers Block

I write different things all the time, some are really good. Most are not. I still do it because I enjoy it. I have been trying to write for the last three days and nothing I come up with satisfies me, so I am just going to blog *sad face*.

I talked to Sarah for a long time last night, productive talk. I love talking to her when she is able to say what she wants. She is such a smart girl (minus the blond moments) I wish she could see that. She is my best friend. I have known her forever and I love her like she is my own family. The fact certain people think I would EVER go away is really funny to me. I am never going anywhere, ever. I can say I am, I can not talk to her, yell at her, do whatever but I will never be gone for good. I love her with all of my heart. She is my sister. She misses being her strong, independent self that she was three years ago. I hope she sees soon that she is still that person, I love her no matter what but, I LIKE her so much more when she is the real her. Nothing happens over night, I just want her to stop letting people talk to her like she is trash and fill her head with lies. If you hear stuff about yourself over and over you start to believe it. I can call her a "bad" friend but she is not. I know her, I know it's not her fault. I look crazy justifying her actions but I love her, and our friendship has made it over some RUFF patches, this aint nothin'. To people who think I am "going away" from her life, remember that when you are eating your words.

astrology

Well this is just great...


Sun in Capricorn:

Achievement through discipline is one of your keynotes in this lifetime. To fulfill your soul purpose you will need much patience, tenacity, endurance, and most likely a long period of apprenticeship or labor. You are equipped by nature to withstand the periods of self-denial, austerity, grueling study, repetitive practice, or "doing without" that your path in life requires. Serious about your aims and, above all, a realist, you are willing to pay your dues in order to get where you want to go, and whether your goal is spiritual attainment, development of a talent, or material success, you want to go to the top. Some degree of rigorous training or hardship (inner or outer) is apt to be a prerequisite to your eventual achievement, Ashley , and unlike apparently "luckier" souls, you have to work hard and pull your own weight early in life. Often, too, you have to wait, to delay gratification, and plan your strategies very carefully and shrewdly in order to gain your desired ends. Through this, you develop a certain toughness and firmness, emotional detachment, inner resourcefulness and self-determination, which keeps you going when the road gets a little rocky on the way to the pinnacle you are aiming for. One pitfall you need to beware of is your tendency to become hardened and cynical, secretly envious of those whose way is less orduous or whose outlook and attitude is more trusting and carefree (irresponsible and immature, to your way of thinking). You seem to be given more "tests", frustration, responsibilities, restrictions than others, and as a result, tend to view the world as an unfriendly place or life as a struggle. It is important for you not to become bitter because of this, or to try to take shortcuts, as these will almost certainly come back to haunt you later. The first half of your life, in particular, may seem heavy or hard, while the fruits of your steady efforts come to you later. Find out more with your full-length reading...

The essence of this lifetime is that you must prove yourself, Ashley , and this you know at a deep level, and feel as a sort of inner pressure. (it can be next to impossible to get you to relax and enjoy yourself, to waste time or money or anything frivolous, or to gamble on anything you are not certain will yield real, tangible benefits). Because of your very strong (even if undefined) sense of purpose. Even your recreation is apt to be done in a calculated manner. You weigh the potential risks involved, and usually on the side of safety, for you have a very strong head to know where you are going and to be in control. Thus, the true experience of play tends to elude you, since it requires letting go of control, a certain indifference to results in preference for a free flowing openness to the moment. You do have a rather dry, ironic sense of humor, and it is important for you to keep that side of you alive as it gives you balance and a healthy perspective on things

ALLISON :)

So, I am blasting music at the max volume...it just feels like one of those "loud music" days. Supposedly, Sarah is staying with me Wednesday. I say "supposedly" because I won't believe it until I see it. I really hope it does happen though, I miss her, tons. I am sure some people who I have NO respect for will bitch but, it really just shows how immature people can be these days. Don't bother me one bit, besides make me feel sorry for them. It really bothers me seeing her upset though, maybe I will be surprised. Maybe there won't be any drama and people will act their age, maybe. Wishful thinking. Good news today is that Allison Iraheta has been added as a opener for Adam Lambert in Raleigh! I think Orianthi is still opening too, maybe not. I don't care as long as I get Allison, she is amazing. I wish Sarah could go with me, I think she would really have fun but, god forbid she is around a bunch of old women and gay guys at a Adam Lambert concert, she will for sure get hit on by all the Straight guys there. hahahahaha :) (I just had to go there) I am sure a straight guy or two will be there, most likely with their girlfriends or wives though. In other parts of the Country, maybe but in NC, probably not. I really hate this State, for many reasons. I will move one day and that day, can not arrive soon enough. I would also love to take Cari but, perhaps another show would suit her taste better. She thinks he is hot and in person I am sure she would like him because his sound is not as "campy" but, still...I don't want to push it. (: haha I don't mind going with my mom as long as she realizes that it is MY day. I know what I am talking about when it comes to where to go and what to do. I hope we will have a good time together. Considering her obsession with Elvis she should really enjoy the show. I hope she does. I really want us to have a good time with no fighting. Which means she has to let me be in control of this trip, only time will tell. haha

Lyrics (:

Music is a big deal for me, more specifically the lyrics. Here are some lyrics that mean something to me.



You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt.- "One"- U2


It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
Cos I don't know what's out there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will "A Change is Gonna Come"- Sam Cooke



Completely colorblind, these red lights are going unseen
Fall behind with words unsaid you know they're always obscene
'cause my ears, they bled before; I need to let them heal
She fell out; her broken legs won't let her walk away
From this town that couldn't give a single shit either way
And her fears, they bled before she's convinced that they're real "Makeover"- David Cook


You feel the weight
Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day
It's not too late
Think of what can be if you rewrite the role you play
Take a step before you leap
Into the colours that you seek
You give back what you give away
So don't look back on yesterday "Aftermath"- Adam Lambert


The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It's all relative to the size of your steeple
You can't see the forest for the trees
You can't smell your own shit on your knees "The Beautiful people"- Marilyn Manson



I got more on my mind
That I've never told
I got pain
That you've never felt
I got the scars
I can deal with on my own
I've got stories
That I'll never tell
But maybe its just as well

Cuz you don't know me
You don't want to know its real
And I'm not sorry
For who I am, for what I feel
Cuz you don't know me "You Don't Know Me"- Allison Iraheta


Well, I am drawing a blank on more lyrics...I guess that is enough.

No Hate

I have been debating on whether or not to discuss this topic, nothing good ever seems to come of it. I feel the need to write about it now considering I once again have been brought to tears by my own family.

I am straight, born that way, will continue to be straight until the day I leave this earth. With that said, I am also a supporter of gay rights, more specifically rights for EVERYONE. I choose to believe that we were put on this earth for a reason, we are to live out our lives to the best of our abilities. We should do whatever makes us happy, no one should ever feel ashamed of who they are or, feel the need to hide their true selves from the world, especially not from family and friends.

I have not always been open about my feelings, I have been raised by a family that is very clear about how they feel regarding this topic. They feel that anyone who is not "straight" is disgusting, sick, wrong and of course, sent straight to hell. I love my family regardless of how much I disagree with their opinions but, it is so hard to hear and realize I am the only one who feels that it is not wrong.

I am in no way saying I am "right" no one knows for sure what is considered "right" or "wrong". I am straight so I can not identify with the lifestyle or emotions of someone in the LGBT community but, I do support the right to love whoever you are attracted to. Many people can show you exactly where it says how "wrong" it is in the Bible but, I can also point out many things the Bible claims as "wrong" to those people, that they themselves partake in on a day to day basis. I could go back and fourth all day with someone who claims it is wrong according to the Bible. We would both have valid points. Nothing about the Bible is wrong. It is just a matter of interpretation, in my opinion.

In reality, I feel that this matter has nothing to do with religion. Everyone is born differently, everyone is attracted to different things. If you have a issue with the LGBT community based on religious facts, I can understand that perspective. I don't agree with it but, I do see where to very religious groups or people, anything other than a man with a woman is wrong. I can't argue that opinion based on what they believe, nor would I try to these days. I have friends who think this way and I don't love them any less for it. They don't agree with it and that is fine. My only issue is with people who group all "non straight" people together and say they are born "sick" and consider them "less than" everyone else in society. That is pure ignorance and I am very upset and disturbed by those comments. The other comment is that you choose to be gay, no, no, and no. Some may choose to engage in acts to get attention, no arguing there but, saying that you have a choice is not something I believe in. You are born a certain way, no one can tell you how to feel.

I am sick of getting targeted by my family. It hurts. I am not apologetic for feeling the way I do, I see nothing wrong with feeling that everyone has the right to live their life the way they choose. I understand that they were raised in a different time but, don't judge me for it. Sexuality is not black or white....in fact, I feel that labels in general are not needed ex: gay, straight, bi, ect...but for the sake of argument I am straight, do I feel the need to degrade others who are not, no. Who you choose to sleep with, does not determine what kind of a person you are, those who judge based on that fact alone should be ashamed. I don't see anything wrong with people who decide not to support it, just don't hate because of it.

God does not hate. People should not either.

I am going to stop writing now, I am sure most of what I have said will make no sense to whoever happens to read it but, I don't care. I needed to write and vent. Done now, back to other things...

Thankful

I just got home from Cari's house, I love how we can hangout and be bored together haha. Some people think we are these "bad" kids that go and party, so not the case. Everyone goes crazy sometimes, not everyone is stuck up and two-faced but, just sitting around the house is pretty fun too when it is with someone you love.

Even though everything is changing, in a big way, everything is still the same. It is hard to find someone who you know without a doubt will never let you down, I am lucky.

I am turning my life around. I am going to make the best of every situation and surround myself with people who impact my life for the better.

BFF

I am getting ready to leave for the night to go spend some time with my best friend. She is not only my best friend, she is someone I look up to. She is such a strong person I don't think she realizes how strong she is sometimes. She is very strong willed, independent, caring, intelligent, fun, I could go on for days.


I am so glad I met her in the 8th grade. We have always been close, I trust her with my life, which is saying a lot considering I don't really trust anyone. I mean she did leave work early to come pick my stupid butt up off the side of the road, after I got in a fight with my parents, packed a bag and, started walking. She is here for me when I am at my best, and worst. She loves both sides of me, I don't have to hide any part of myself when I am with her.



I could write a book but, I need to start getting ready so I can leave. Later, blog world.

FYI

Even though I technically wrote a big long blog about my "feelings" to no one, I feel much better. I guess writing is therapeutic or something for me. Good to know for the future. Going to do other things now. Later, blog world.

Hurt.

This is not a rant. This is me feeling the need to take a moment and express my feelings to "blog world" about something that is frustrating me to the brink of insanity. I live for my friends, I don't let people in often to avoid the inevitable of, getting hurt. I have met few people over the course of my time here on earth, that has left a lasting impression on me. Sarah is one of those people. I don't know why I love her sometimes, but I do, wholeheartedly.

We have known each other since 6th grade, so about 9 years now. Nine years is a long time considering, we are currently 19 and, I can't really remember the first ten years that well so, you get the picture. We have grown up together actually, only not so much "together" anymore.



I could write a book on how horribly mistreated she is or, how I was mistreated during mine and his "friendship" but, I feel like that would be distasteful on my part. He is someone that I have erased from my life, with good reason. You can only hand out so many chances before you realize you are getting played over and over. That game is over now.

The most important thing for me is having my best friend remain in my life. It seems to be a losing battle. She expresses to me how much she wants to hangout yet, brushes off the idea of ever, actually hanging out. Not by any choice of her own. It has been months since I have seen her, I can't even have a normal conversation with her unless it is late at night when she is at home, alone. I am not the in the "best" of moods during our conversations either. I should not be so umm, moody, towards her but, I feel so hurt by her not making more of an effort to keep this friendship going that I lash out at her. I do feel horrible about it, I wish I didn't feel so hurt by this but It is starting to take its toll on me. I don't want all of her time just, a day every now and then, an hour even. I miss this girl more then anyone could ever imagine. I don't find my requests to be at all,
unreasonable.


I would never post privet conversations between her and I on here even though, doing so would greatly justify my reasoning. I can't stand hearing her cry, I can't stand not hanging out like we used to. I accept her relationship, even if I think it is a mistake I would still never try to "hurt" her relationship. All I ask is for the same respect. If I could remain friends with her meaning, get to see her once in a while, I would have no problem with what she chooses to do with her "personal" life however, that is not the case.

I know she loves me, against peoples wishes. She may not show it, but after all we have been through together, I am sure I have impacted her life, in some way. I hope if she reads this she is not upset with me. I am not writing to "bash" anyone. Truth be told, I still very much care for James, I just wish things could be different.

I will always, always be here for her, even when I tell her otherwise. I love her so much, and will continue to do so regardless of what the future holds.

First Rant...

I have had this blog up and running for approximately 7 hours and, I am already in need of a rant, the first of many I am sure. The reasoning behind this particular rant is some guys can not grasp the concept of "just friends". When I say some I am referring to oh about, 5 or so guys in my life who are about incapable of taking a hint. Most of which I can deal with by the ever so polite, ignoring, one wording and, in extreme cases actually saying "back the fuck off" thanks. I am not talking about guys I have as friends such as, the people I actually know but, the random dude on social networking sites, yeah, those. Not all are bad, some are innocent, most are creepy and need to get a life. The actual cause of this rant was brought on by a guy I do somewhat know, to an extent. I get a lot of criticism for not dating anything that walks my way, my bad, not sorry for that one either. See I don't think of myself as any better then anyone else, I give chances, I get to know people but, I will not waste my time on someone if I know it is just not gonna happen. I don't have a "type" I just know what I like and, what I don't like. I will be friends with most anyone, clingy ass guys who creep me out, probably not gonna make that list, sorry. This blog is pretty much about just one guy who needs a wake up call to reality. Whatever made him think "oh I should probably text her over and over again, even though she just told me to stop texting her" is on some type of medication that I hope he is currently taking, to give him an excuse for acting like a needy nut-job. Clingy is not cute. Ever.

**disclaimer: I really do love friendship from everyone, this rant is about one person. If you think it is you, trust me you would know, not think. :)

My First Time...

This is my first time writing a blog, I am trying to decide what to write about. No more then two or three people will read this I am sure so taking that into consideration I guess It is a form of a diary, only public. My reason for starting a blog is simple. I have a lot to say. Whether anyone cares or not is another story. I have changed a lot over the last year or so, a lot. I was very negative I had a very "fuck you" attitude. I can bitch and moan about the past, give reasons and explanations for everything which, in my mind would certainly provide justification for my actions in the past but, I choose to focus on the future. I am in no way saying I am happy go lucky positive, far from it, but I am trying to stay positive. I believe that positive energy and, good thoughts lead to a happier life. You do good things, you get good things back. If you choose to treat others badly then the universe may have some not so good things in store for you as well, in other words, karma. I believe in God, not organized religion. I am not saying organized religion is wrong, I think that it is great. It can really turn lives around for the better. I can not commit to a religion unless I commit 100%. I researched and, read about many religions and I have also read many opinions regarding religion. I have determined that identifying with a specific religion is not important to me at this time in my life. The important thing to me is believing in a higher power and knowing that I, along with everyone else on this earth was put here for a reason. It is up to us how we choose to live. I am making mistakes and learning lessons everyday, trying to become a person that God will be proud of. My beliefs clash with most religions which is why can not identify with one. I do however believe that God is amazing and he has big things in store for my life. If I am wrong in the way that I believe, God will judge me when the time comes. He is the only one who can judge me. With all that being said, I love my religious friends, I think it is wonderful that they get so much joy and happiness from their beliefs. I am still finding myself, everyday is a new lesson. My opinions will change and, I will grow as a person. I have no clue what is going to happen with my future, but with a good attitude about whats up ahead I hope to make it a very enjoyable experience.