Nope

I don't really post here anymore, I have been following someone on another blog site for awhile. Decided I liked that one better....This is like the myspace to it's facebook. C'ya later

Yay!

I love spending time with my best friend, so many good times. What sucks is when those "good" times start to turn into... "missed" times. I have a weird feeling about the future...I will just leave it at that. Not sure yet if it is a good or, bad feeling. On a good note, Monte Pittman, Madonna and Adam Lambert's guitar player is following me on twitter and, retweeted what I said about him. I don't even like twitter. I do however, love knowing everything I say pops up on his feed. I hope I get to meet him, especially now. Now how do I get to Tommy? haha... Saturday will be great. Even though...seats sorta suck. Anything other then on the stage is not close enough for me though. :)

Not Good

I stayed with Cari Friday and, Saturday night. I love spending time with her. We had fun, plans did not exactly go as planned but they never do haha. We still manage to make the best of it. In this stupid town there is nothing to do, at all. The guys were all drinking outside....memories. Trying to have sober fun in this town is a challenge. No wonder there are so many crackheads around here, just sayin'. I have to hurry and find a direction with my life and, soon. I will not end up another low life going nowhere. Hate to offend 80% of this town but, I want better for myself then what is offered here, not sorry about it either. I am majorly depressed today, I hate the way certain things near Cari's make me feel. By things, I mean people. The day I have been looking forward to for months is 6 days away and I don't even care right now. THAT MAKES NO SENSE. Great mood last night, wake up this morning and I feel like everything is wrong. Too much information but, I did wake up with PMS, I guess that could be it. I am do for a breakdown anytime now, I just wish I knew what was making me upset.

I want a job so I can save up money to make myself feel better about going to college but, first pay check I am spending it all on me. First few actually. I have gone without for a long time, not gone "without" because I am lucky enough to have everything I need and, some things I want. I just have not bought anything for myself that I just "wanted" in forever. Even when I had money I saved it or, drank it. I know I will end up not spending it but, I wish I could. I am just so damn cheap and, I love money. Not things money can buy, just the simple fact of having money. Anyways, I have been listening to the king of lifting my spirits...Eminem...here is a few of my favorite lyrics from him...

Talking to Myself:

Marshall you're no longer the man, that's a bitter pill to swallow
All I know is I'm wallowin', self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up on the pill bottle
Maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow
My sorrow echoes in this hall though
But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don't see nobody else (I guess I keep talkin to myself)
But all these other rappers suck is all that I know
I've turned into a hater, I've put up a false bravado
But Marshall is not a egomaniac thats not his motto
He's not a desperado he's desperate its startin to bottle inside em
One foot on the brake one on the throttle
Fallin asleep with writers block in the parking lot of mcdonalds
But instead of feeling sorry for yourself do something about it
Admit you got a problem you brain is clouded you pouted long enough
It isn't them its you you fuckin baby
Quit worrying about what they do and do fuckin shady
I'm fucking going crazy



Going Through Changes:

Lately I really, feel like I'm rolling for delph like Philly,
I feel like I'm losing control of myself, I sincerely,
I apologize if all that I sound like, is I'm complaining,
But life keeps on complicating, an' I'm debating,
On leaving this world, this evening, even my girls,
Can see I'm grievin', I try and hide it,
But I can't, why do I act like I'm all high and mighty,
When inside, I'm dying, I am finally realizing I need help.
I can't do it by myself, too weak, 2 weeks I've been having ups and downs,
Going through peaks and valleys, dilly dallying,
Around with the idea, of ending the shit right here.
I'm hatin' my reflection, I walk around the house tryin' to fight mirrors,
I can't stand what I look like, yeah, I look fat, but what do I care?
I give a fuck, only thing I fear, is Hailie,
I'm afraid if I close my eyes I might see her,
Shit..



Space Bound:

We touch I feel a rush
We clutch it isnt much
But its enough to make me wonder whats in store for us
Its lust its torturous 
You must be a sorceress cause you just
Did the impossible
Gain my trust don't play games it'll be dangerous
If you fuck me over
Cause if I get burnt imma show you what its like to hurt
Cause I been treated like dirt before ya
And love is evil
Spell it backwards I'll show ya

Nobody knows me I'm cold
Walk down this road all alone
Its noones fault but my own
Its the path ive chosen to go
Frozen as snow I show no emotion whatsoever so
Dont ask me why I have no love for these mufuckin hoes
Bloodsuckin succubus what the fuck is up with this
Ive tried in this department but I aint had no luck with this
Its sucks but its exactly what I thought it would be
Like tryin to start over
I got a hole in my heart, I'm some kind of emotional rollercoaster
Somethin I wont go on til you toy with my emotion so its over
Its like an explosion everytime I hold ya wasnt jokin when I told ya
Ya take my breathe away
You're a supernova.. and I'm a

quotes

There are three religious truths: 1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. ~Author Unknown - hahahaha.


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. ~Author Unknown


If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found. ~Author Unknown


No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means. ~George Bernard Shaw


Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there. ~Amy Li


Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. ~Dandemis

It's better to fight for something than against something. ~Author Unknown



It is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards. ~Baltasar Gracian

Random

A very random blog because, I feel like it. [=

Um yea.

I am in a pretty bad mood. I am trying to get out of it. I have this awful feeling that everything is about to take a turn for the worst. I don't have any reason to think that, just a feeling. When things seem to be going good, it is normally just a cover for what is really about to happen. Then again, I might just need a change of scenery and people. Cari just texted me that she has my blanket washed and smelling good for when I stay on Saturday...I love that girl. I can't be in a bad mood around her...just can't do it. I hope I am worrying for nothing and, everything I have planned for the next two weeks goes great. Only time will tell.

3 Doors Down - It's The Only One You've Got [Lyrics]

THIS.
IS.
A.
REALLY.
GOOD.
SONG.
:)

Good Day

James got cussed out by a bunch of people.
I got to catch up on sleep.
I got to see Cari for a VERY SHORT 2 minuets while they came and got the battery.
My concert is getting closer every day.
So yes, today has been a pretty good day.

Bad new, my "plans" with Cari this weekend are probably not going to happen. I will still see her I hope but, the actual plans we made are most likely not going to fall through. I am not surprised though, plans NEVER happen. Everything will work out, regardless what we do or, don't do. As for now, I am going to go make some chicken. Sarah will be here after work for the night.

Just cuz.

Blog hoe

Hmmmmm...I am in a strangely good mood now. I guess because I have stayed in my room away from the haters. I have been listening to the play-list's from the last year. Every play-list has a different memory...Most bad but, still. lol

Shinedown - Shed Some Light

This pretty much says it all...








"Shed Some Light"

I'm falling apart again
And I can't find a way to make amends
And I'm looking in both directions
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I'm still getting over who I was
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are
It's who you know
And I see clearly now, which way to go
I remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll...
Tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll believe
Something I'll believe

Done venting

Through with my venting, it's not smart for me to write when I am balling my eyes out. For some reason that is the time when I want to write most though. In my last blog I almost forgot the fact that, what they say means nothing. No one knows me but me, for that very reason. You can't bitch about what you don't know. No matter what I do, they will always find something wrong with it. I am not worthless, despite what they think. They will see one day or, they won't, either way I will know I have made the right decisions for me. I know they love me, I just wish they could understand me. Then again, I don't think I am a person that is easy to understand. They don't know the reasons behind anything. Also they don't see me cry all the time because I wish I could support them. My dad is way to old to work as hard as he does. I would give anything to be able to support them for a change. I don't want him working, he has worked all his life, he deserves a break. That is why I get so upset when they say I don't care or, I don't appreciate anything. They have no idea the tears I have cried weekly, sometimes daily because of how much I know they do and, have done for me. I will never be good enough though, ever. I didn't want anyone going to my graduation because I was nothing special. All my cousins were the top of their class. When I say ALL I mean ALL, at least on my dad's side. I am pretty sure everyone was just surprised I didn't drop out. Like the day I was so proud of my report card when I made all A's and B's. I showed my grandmother, who is dead now, my report card and she looked at it like it was all F's and said "did you not study?" I guess I have always been disappointing. One day I won't be though, I will find someone or, a group of people who appreciate me. I am giving up on ever being good enough for this family. I am almost certain I will not be attending any family events around the holidays. I will have a job by then and I will pay them to let me work. Any reason to not have to sit with my cousins, The Minister, The Doctor and, The Lawyer all close to my age. You can't make this shit up. I love them all but, nothing I have to say will ever compete with anything they have to say. Plus, I know having me as a daughter is embarrassing. I can't imagine having to sit at a table with my sister and brothers perfect children and, have to claim me. Not even just my personality or grades, the way I look in general is embarrassing compared to the others. Whenever I am around them, I feel the need to act a certain way, dress like them, say things I don't mean, ect... I will not change for anyone and, no one should ever feel like they have to. I will never be like them, I don't want to be but, I will not be there to get their little looks. Almost like they feel sorry for me, they don't know that one day, I will be feeling sorry for them. I will be happy, maybe not as much money as them but, happy. I am sure they will be too, just not the same. It's just so hard to do anything when you have never been good enough, not for anyone or, anything. I used to want to be in a relationship just so I would feel good enough for someone, that still has not happened. I could be with someone, just no one I want to be with. Everyone I have liked I have never been good enough for, ever. Strung along a few times but, in the end, pretty much told to my face I was not good enough. I will never again try to be good enough for anyone. I have no interest in being with anyone, not sure if I ever will. Not until I can handle not being good enough, again.

pissed

I am super excited!!
Normally when I am excited for something, nothing goes right. I really hope the next few weeks do not disappoint. Saturday I am going to the fair with Cari, Jake and, her parents. A guy her dad works with is singing and, he is really good. Country is not my thing but, I love live music so I am looking forward to it. I am staying with her that night after the fair, she is preggers so, our crazy times are over (for now) but, nothing really changes. She can have all the kids she wants, nothing will ever change between us. Things will change but, not a bad change. If anything her having a baby is the best thing to happen for everyone. She will be the best mom and, we can't party like we used to. As much fun as that was, I think I will just keep the crazy memories and be a little more non-crazy from now on. We were talking today and I told her about Sarah's little adventure from the other night. We agreed that all her nights that she will ever have could not live up to ONE of our nights. I can party with the best of em' but, I just have no interest in doing that anymore. No regrets but, it was starting to get old, always fun but, it just didn't feel right anymore. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I see happy couples, families, successful people and, I don't think I will ever have any of that. I don't even know if I want it. I just want to be happy. When I am out having a good time, I always think about how tomorrow nothing changes. I will still be in this pathetic town, alone, with no clue what I want out of life. Makes being happy nearly impossible. For the next two weeks I have things to look forward to. I get to spend time with my best friend then, the next week I get to spend the weekend with my sister, just us, for the best freaking concert EVER. After that, It's back to nothing, again. Finding a dead end job, saving up for college where I will either get a degree I don't want or, one I can't use. Great. Maybe a miracle will happen.

All I need is thirty five dollars to get a shirt at the concert. I have asked my parents for the last 2 months if I could do something for them to earn the money. I never expected to get money for doing nothing, I have said this MANY times. Every time I asked to do something they said no. I am so damn sick of living here. I want a freaking shirt, wow, it's not like they have bought me clothes in over two years anyways. when I had money I even bought my own damn food. It's pretty pathetic that I used to have that in a week now I have to be worked like a bitch in order to buy myself one thing in over 4 months. The best part is my mom said she would buy me it but, of course she acts like she never said that when my dad is around. I might not be that upset about it if they did not just talk shit about me to family members on the phone. I forgot that money is better spent on steaks every week and, whatever my mom wants. Oh I forgot, I got a pair of shoes the other day, 3 whole bucks. First pair of shoes in 3 years bought by them. I don't want ANYTHING from them. If this is her way of showing she wanted to go to the concert, she is about as mature as the Valdese crowd. I hate not having money, I hate using others money, I hate being stuck at home for the last 4 months cuz I have no money to even put gas in my car. No one understands or cares, I get yelled at for not having a job but, it's not like I don't want one. There are so many reasons, no point in crying about it here though. Every time I feel like it's getting better my parents put me right back in the mindset of how worthless I am. Getting yelled at and, talked down to is not going to help anything. It makes me upset, beyond words. Not one person knows the shit I had to go through from 7th grade through the last damn day of high school. I guess I will get worked like a dog for two weeks in order to have one souvenir. I don't think being my dad's slave is worth a damn shirt. Then again maybe it is. I am to upset and, pissed off to think right now. One good day in this house is asking too much. Right now I defiantly miss the old days with Cari. Bad.

Two weeks

I am on the phone with Sarah, listening to the rain. I love rain. Anyways, everything seems to be going pretty good. I have my friend back which means more to her then she will ever know. After you go through so much with someone, it is hard to not have that person in your life. I don't have to say anything, she can look at me and know what I am thinking, most of the time.

I miss my preggers best friend. I used to see her daily, it sucks not being able to. Nothing will ever change between us, I know that. I just miss the old times sometimes. The crazy, completely stupid, old times. I don't want to relive it but, it's freaking sweet to think about it.

Concert two freaking weeks from today. Seems like yesterday I got the tickets. Time goes by way too fast these days. Things have got to change soon, if not I am going to be looking back and not liking it. My life could change tomorrow, I almost wish it would. I need to find a happy middle between partying and, being bored as shit. I need to not be born in this shity town, I guess I can't change where I was born though. I about the next redneck I see I am hitting them with my car. True story.

Sleep

Everything seems to be going good for now. I can't think of much to say, which is rare. I could say a lot but, I'm just going to, not. I was supposed to see Cari today, I have only seen her 2 times since May 5th. Big change from, everyday. It don't look like that's going to happen though. Not like I have any gas or money anyways...these days I don't care, I would walk if I had to. I just miss her plus, it would be nice to just NOT be in this damn house.

I don't know why my parents yell at me to get up when I am asleep. When I actually do wake up, I don't remember a word they said. I just know they were bitching about something. Seems like wasted energy to me. If they were smart, they would just shut up and turn on my light. My room is COMPLETELY dark, all day long. It is hard to wake up no matter how much sleep I have had. It is hard to wake up in the dark, no matter what the people in my doorway happen to yell. I guess it is a crime to sleep, I will add that to my list of ways "not to breathe" yup, I still do it wrong sometiems....I like the night. Days suck... just sayin'.

Amusing

I am basically writing to stay awake. I went to sleep at 10 this morning and woke up at 1:30. Not much sleep but, better then nothing. I am still laughing about last night. I will never understand the way the mind of "trash" works. I have seen stories like this happen though, on Jerry Springer. I did not know those people were real, I thought they were paid actors. Take a nice little trip to Valdese and you can film a whole season, maybe two. The Redneck ninja "ain't got nuttin" on these people. I am pretty sure I have mentioned before how badly I want to move out of this town, state, country. I am in search for intelligence. I will not give up, I know smart people exist, just not sure how to find them.

Hickville

Okay, it is 6 in the morning, just got off the phone with Sarah. I will start from the beginning. Sarah texts me saying she is sorry and stuff, kinda a long text. She says that she broke up with James which I knew was coming, just didn't care at the time. I called her since texting her is not free at the time. I honestly had all intentions on hearing her cry about how she broke up with him then, hanging up. I had already told myself that when the day comes and, she calls me crying over breaking up with him that I would not care. Things did not go as planned. She answers and tells me she is at the police station with her dad which, immediately makes my heart stop. I thought he had hit her or, something worse had happened. I soon found out that he dented her car, I was relived that it was just her car that he had punched. After my reaction when she told me she was at the police station I realized, I could not just hang up. I love this girl and, even though these last few months have been hell, I have hope for the future. I mean obviously it is really over this time considering her dad is big time involved now. We started talking like we used to, before James. I can never hate her, I get so mad I say I hate her but, the day where I truly truly hate her will never come. Oh the best part of the night was when his sister called me...

So, I wrote Sarah a message on facebook. A really long message, mainly just about her and I. I did write in it that he was a "worthless bastard" but, I also said right after that "I wish the best for him, I hope he finds someone one day and treats her right." That's right, I said "I WISH THE BEST FOR HIM", pretty damn nice if I do say so myself. Yes, I called him a "worthless bastard" I just call it like I see it. I was however positive and was implying that one day, maybe he won't be a worthless bastard. He could grow up and realize the way he treated Sarah was wrong, therefore becoming a person I could one day, someday, a long time from now, possibly respect. Maybe. Considering all the crap he has talked about me behind my back for months now, I don't see why he cares about what I have to say about him, way out in the open for him to see. I did later remove the post. It was meant for Sarah, that is why I said it on HER page. Glad he saw it though, more happy about him seeing what was written under it. Nothing "bad" just Sarah and I talking about she is a free woman. Ya know that has got to sting. Anyways, I get a call from a "privet" number. I wonder who it could be...haha. I don't answer because I have nothing to say to anyone in "hickville" I don't do drama. So I get a voice mail. Joy. It is his lovely sister, first thing she says is that she called from privet so I would not have her number (which I already have). If you don't want someone to have your number, don't leave a voice mail that clearly states: "YOU HAVE A VOICE MAIL FROM #_ _ _-_ _ _-_ _ _ _." Yeah, I am just going to leave that one alone now, haha. Long story short, I did not pay attention to half the shit that was said. I did hear that if she ever sees me in public she will "beat my face in" or "beat my ass" one of those, like it matters. I can't really understand her or, I tune her out, something like that. I will never respond to her, I have no room for trash like that in my life. Who honestly "fights" outside of high school? She is older then me twenty something, not sure. Grow up, I would never waste my time with a person or, family so worthless.

I have been working real hard on being positive, not hating people, being nice, and trying to trust in people. I slipped a bit tonight, called the most repulsive person I have ever met a bastard and, I will never apologize for it. I will however, forget he ever existed. No room for that kind of hate in my life. It is all about love from here on out. Him and his family can say all they want about me, it has no impact anymore. Love overcomes hate. Always.

Did I mention Sarah is single? Shit yeah. I hope we can work on US, that sounds a lil weird but, she is like my sister. Everything will be okay. I know it will.

Picture of the day

I am trying to not fight hate with hate. I guess this picture is not the nicest way to get the message across BUT, it made me laugh.





This one is much better though, gets the point across with LOVE.

Good News

So, yesterday Prop 8 was considered unconstitutional in California which is great news. I personally think it is sad that this is even having to happen but, it is. Moving in the right direction at the very least. I am pretty sure I am the only person, in my circle of family and friends, that cares or, is happy about the news. The only other responses I have heard regarding Prop 8 is either, they think it is disgusting they allow same sex couples to get married or, they don't care. It really does not bother me much anymore. People around here don't feel like it is "right", most were raised that way. I was raised that way, I however, do not feel like it is wrong. I think everyone should be allowed to love whoever they want no matter the sex, race, religion, or any other differences. I am straight, I was born that way, if someone took away my rights because I was straight, that would not be very fair. One day I hope everything is equal. It might be one day, it is just a personal preference, I don't see why everyone makes such a big deal out of it. A lot of straight people don't speak out for equal rights because it does not affect them personally, which I used to understand. I have been working on changing myself, I have been working really hard on loving myself and, loving others. I can't really trust anyone enough to have a relationship right now. It is just not the right time I will know when it is. Instead of trying to find a boyfriend or, worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, I have tried to love people in general. I used to be a person who literally hated people. I always thought the worst, which in my own defense, a lot of people have shown me just how cruel the world is but, I have decided to look past it. That includes loving all people. I don't like everyone and, those are the people who will not be in my life. No ill wishes to them, I will just not have them be a part of my life. I look at the inner person these days not, the skin color, the fashion choices, the person they sleep with, that stuff means nothing. The sweetest soul could be behind a mask of any kind. You don't have to agree on a persons lifestyle choices to love that person or, befriend them. I am white but, I have friends of many colors. It took awhile for people to accept that every race should have rights, in time every sexual orientation will have rights too.

Update

I have been writing a lot lately. Trying to figure a lot out, not sure where that has gotten me. I feel like at the end of this month I will see things more clearly and, have a direction. I don't know why I feel so strongly about this but I do. I am not sure what my vision for myself will be at the end of this month but, I feel I will have one. I guess only time will tell, I hope I am right though. I can not make progress towards anything unless I feel like it is the absolute right path at the right time. I am sure I will change my mind but, I have to have that confidence in order to actually have a chance at success. Most people don't understand. I really couldn't care less anymore if people understand. I know what is right for me, they can talk shit all they want. I am not someone who gets pressured into doing things, not bad things and, not things that people "think" are good things to help me. Nope, sorry, I will let you know what is "good" for me. I am the only one who really knows me, after all. I will prove one day that I am right, as for now, I will just keep searching, as it becomes a little clearer everyday.

Also, I have always stated that I trust no one and, that statement has never been more true. Sarah, is no longer in my life, at all. I don't want her in my life. She needs to grow up. She lies to me, her boyfriend, her family. I could say so much more but, I won't. She is going down the wrong road, I have been there for her for the last 9 years and, 9 years might have been a few years too many. She obviously only cares about herself. Everyone has a choice in the life they live, her acting like her only choice is to be treated like shit everyday by someone who makes her physically ill, not an excuse anymore. I have stood up for her for months. I don't know one person who "really" knows the situation, that has one good thing to say about her. My own family who has loved her like a daughter for the last 9 years can't stand her anymore. Last time we didn't talk for about 2 weeks and she said how unhappy she was and, how she missed me, she needed me in her life. I think that was all bullshit. I know what she says about her boyfriend behind his back and the fact that she always ALWAYS kisses his ass and I never even talk to her, I can only imagine what she says about me. Not that I really care anymore. I will always love her but, unless she is single I will have NOTHING to do with her. I need people I can count on in my life. I thought I could always count on her, I guess that is where I messed up. I don't give second chances much, third ones very rarely and, she is at chance 30 by now. Back to trusting no one.

Wicked.

It’s not that deep, it’s deeper. The world stands stronger yet, grows weaker. United they stand, united we fall. The quake has shaken but, the sprit never broken. They can not ridicule, what is not revealed to them. Chose to travel a path with many markings, sold your essence to the demons lurking, in the position of conformity. Faceless in a crowd of many, voiceless in a song of shame, time will divide the gifted from the wicked.


EDIT: My sister thinks this piece of writing is dark. In a way it could be considered dark but, the piece itself is about, being different and not going with the "crowd". The world growing stronger is referring to technology and knowledge. Growing weaker represents the economy, natural disasters, global warming. The "demons" represent people who are all alike. Being voiceless in a song of shame is meaning, you are singing the same song everyone else is simply because you are told to. The gifted are the ones who make their own decisions, are true to themselves. The wicked are the ones who go along with what they are told to do, what "everyone" thinks is the "right" way.

Just thought I would clear it up. haha

Maya-Aztect

According to the Maya-Aztect reading I just received, here are a few facts about me...I have a Dog personality? Okay...sure. I can see this being accurate though.

Many Dog personalities are very creative. The arts, particularly music and drawing or painting may appeal to you. While you are usually not particularly daring or experimental in these areas, you have a good sense of harmony and rhythm and have the potential to become quite popular. You approach your art form as a craft to be learned and mastered -- you are technique conscious.

It is probable that your father was your most influential parent. He may have provided you with a legacy, financial or career-wise. Such an arrangement often creates a situation where you have no choice but to follow the pattern set by your parent. For some of you, this situation is not so favorable. There may be rivalry between yourself and your father and much time may be spent in rebellion. Ultimately, you must make peace with your parents, and accept what you were given or whatever you were not given. From a larger cultural perspective you may experience your homeland as father or parent, leading to a strong loyalty, and possibly political interest, in community, city or country.

One of the problems that you may have in close relationships has to do with emotional maturity. You have strong feelings about territory and can be quite jealous when it comes to sharing and trusting in relationships. You need to know clearly just what the pecking order is and where the boundary lines are drawn.