Through with my venting, it's not smart for me to write when I am balling my eyes out. For some reason that is the time when I want to write most though. In my last blog I almost forgot the fact that, what they say means nothing. No one knows me but me, for that very reason. You can't bitch about what you don't know. No matter what I do, they will always find something wrong with it. I am not worthless, despite what they think. They will see one day or, they won't, either way I will know I have made the right decisions for me. I know they love me, I just wish they could understand me. Then again, I don't think I am a person that is easy to understand. They don't know the reasons behind anything. Also they don't see me cry all the time because I wish I could support them. My dad is way to old to work as hard as he does. I would give anything to be able to support them for a change. I don't want him working, he has worked all his life, he deserves a break. That is why I get so upset when they say I don't care or, I don't appreciate anything. They have no idea the tears I have cried weekly, sometimes daily because of how much I know they do and, have done for me. I will never be good enough though, ever. I didn't want anyone going to my graduation because I was nothing special. All my cousins were the top of their class. When I say ALL I mean ALL, at least on my dad's side. I am pretty sure everyone was just surprised I didn't drop out. Like the day I was so proud of my report card when I made all A's and B's. I showed my grandmother, who is dead now, my report card and she looked at it like it was all F's and said "did you not study?" I guess I have always been disappointing. One day I won't be though, I will find someone or, a group of people who appreciate me. I am giving up on ever being good enough for this family. I am almost certain I will not be attending any family events around the holidays. I will have a job by then and I will pay them to let me work. Any reason to not have to sit with my cousins, The Minister, The Doctor and, The Lawyer all close to my age. You can't make this shit up. I love them all but, nothing I have to say will ever compete with anything they have to say. Plus, I know having me as a daughter is embarrassing. I can't imagine having to sit at a table with my sister and brothers perfect children and, have to claim me. Not even just my personality or grades, the way I look in general is embarrassing compared to the others. Whenever I am around them, I feel the need to act a certain way, dress like them, say things I don't mean, ect... I will not change for anyone and, no one should ever feel like they have to. I will never be like them, I don't want to be but, I will not be there to get their little looks. Almost like they feel sorry for me, they don't know that one day, I will be feeling sorry for them. I will be happy, maybe not as much money as them but, happy. I am sure they will be too, just not the same. It's just so hard to do anything when you have never been good enough, not for anyone or, anything. I used to want to be in a relationship just so I would feel good enough for someone, that still has not happened. I could be with someone, just no one I want to be with. Everyone I have liked I have never been good enough for, ever. Strung along a few times but, in the end, pretty much told to my face I was not good enough. I will never again try to be good enough for anyone. I have no interest in being with anyone, not sure if I ever will. Not until I can handle not being good enough, again.
