pissed

I am super excited!!
Normally when I am excited for something, nothing goes right. I really hope the next few weeks do not disappoint. Saturday I am going to the fair with Cari, Jake and, her parents. A guy her dad works with is singing and, he is really good. Country is not my thing but, I love live music so I am looking forward to it. I am staying with her that night after the fair, she is preggers so, our crazy times are over (for now) but, nothing really changes. She can have all the kids she wants, nothing will ever change between us. Things will change but, not a bad change. If anything her having a baby is the best thing to happen for everyone. She will be the best mom and, we can't party like we used to. As much fun as that was, I think I will just keep the crazy memories and be a little more non-crazy from now on. We were talking today and I told her about Sarah's little adventure from the other night. We agreed that all her nights that she will ever have could not live up to ONE of our nights. I can party with the best of em' but, I just have no interest in doing that anymore. No regrets but, it was starting to get old, always fun but, it just didn't feel right anymore. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I see happy couples, families, successful people and, I don't think I will ever have any of that. I don't even know if I want it. I just want to be happy. When I am out having a good time, I always think about how tomorrow nothing changes. I will still be in this pathetic town, alone, with no clue what I want out of life. Makes being happy nearly impossible. For the next two weeks I have things to look forward to. I get to spend time with my best friend then, the next week I get to spend the weekend with my sister, just us, for the best freaking concert EVER. After that, It's back to nothing, again. Finding a dead end job, saving up for college where I will either get a degree I don't want or, one I can't use. Great. Maybe a miracle will happen.

All I need is thirty five dollars to get a shirt at the concert. I have asked my parents for the last 2 months if I could do something for them to earn the money. I never expected to get money for doing nothing, I have said this MANY times. Every time I asked to do something they said no. I am so damn sick of living here. I want a freaking shirt, wow, it's not like they have bought me clothes in over two years anyways. when I had money I even bought my own damn food. It's pretty pathetic that I used to have that in a week now I have to be worked like a bitch in order to buy myself one thing in over 4 months. The best part is my mom said she would buy me it but, of course she acts like she never said that when my dad is around. I might not be that upset about it if they did not just talk shit about me to family members on the phone. I forgot that money is better spent on steaks every week and, whatever my mom wants. Oh I forgot, I got a pair of shoes the other day, 3 whole bucks. First pair of shoes in 3 years bought by them. I don't want ANYTHING from them. If this is her way of showing she wanted to go to the concert, she is about as mature as the Valdese crowd. I hate not having money, I hate using others money, I hate being stuck at home for the last 4 months cuz I have no money to even put gas in my car. No one understands or cares, I get yelled at for not having a job but, it's not like I don't want one. There are so many reasons, no point in crying about it here though. Every time I feel like it's getting better my parents put me right back in the mindset of how worthless I am. Getting yelled at and, talked down to is not going to help anything. It makes me upset, beyond words. Not one person knows the shit I had to go through from 7th grade through the last damn day of high school. I guess I will get worked like a dog for two weeks in order to have one souvenir. I don't think being my dad's slave is worth a damn shirt. Then again maybe it is. I am to upset and, pissed off to think right now. One good day in this house is asking too much. Right now I defiantly miss the old days with Cari. Bad.