Not Good

I stayed with Cari Friday and, Saturday night. I love spending time with her. We had fun, plans did not exactly go as planned but they never do haha. We still manage to make the best of it. In this stupid town there is nothing to do, at all. The guys were all drinking outside....memories. Trying to have sober fun in this town is a challenge. No wonder there are so many crackheads around here, just sayin'. I have to hurry and find a direction with my life and, soon. I will not end up another low life going nowhere. Hate to offend 80% of this town but, I want better for myself then what is offered here, not sorry about it either. I am majorly depressed today, I hate the way certain things near Cari's make me feel. By things, I mean people. The day I have been looking forward to for months is 6 days away and I don't even care right now. THAT MAKES NO SENSE. Great mood last night, wake up this morning and I feel like everything is wrong. Too much information but, I did wake up with PMS, I guess that could be it. I am do for a breakdown anytime now, I just wish I knew what was making me upset.

I want a job so I can save up money to make myself feel better about going to college but, first pay check I am spending it all on me. First few actually. I have gone without for a long time, not gone "without" because I am lucky enough to have everything I need and, some things I want. I just have not bought anything for myself that I just "wanted" in forever. Even when I had money I saved it or, drank it. I know I will end up not spending it but, I wish I could. I am just so damn cheap and, I love money. Not things money can buy, just the simple fact of having money. Anyways, I have been listening to the king of lifting my spirits...Eminem...here is a few of my favorite lyrics from him...

Talking to Myself:

Marshall you're no longer the man, that's a bitter pill to swallow
All I know is I'm wallowin', self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up on the pill bottle
Maybe I'll hit my bottom tomorrow
My sorrow echoes in this hall though
But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don't see nobody else (I guess I keep talkin to myself)
But all these other rappers suck is all that I know
I've turned into a hater, I've put up a false bravado
But Marshall is not a egomaniac thats not his motto
He's not a desperado he's desperate its startin to bottle inside em
One foot on the brake one on the throttle
Fallin asleep with writers block in the parking lot of mcdonalds
But instead of feeling sorry for yourself do something about it
Admit you got a problem you brain is clouded you pouted long enough
It isn't them its you you fuckin baby
Quit worrying about what they do and do fuckin shady
I'm fucking going crazy



Going Through Changes:

Lately I really, feel like I'm rolling for delph like Philly,
I feel like I'm losing control of myself, I sincerely,
I apologize if all that I sound like, is I'm complaining,
But life keeps on complicating, an' I'm debating,
On leaving this world, this evening, even my girls,
Can see I'm grievin', I try and hide it,
But I can't, why do I act like I'm all high and mighty,
When inside, I'm dying, I am finally realizing I need help.
I can't do it by myself, too weak, 2 weeks I've been having ups and downs,
Going through peaks and valleys, dilly dallying,
Around with the idea, of ending the shit right here.
I'm hatin' my reflection, I walk around the house tryin' to fight mirrors,
I can't stand what I look like, yeah, I look fat, but what do I care?
I give a fuck, only thing I fear, is Hailie,
I'm afraid if I close my eyes I might see her,
Shit..



Space Bound:

We touch I feel a rush
We clutch it isnt much
But its enough to make me wonder whats in store for us
Its lust its torturous 
You must be a sorceress cause you just
Did the impossible
Gain my trust don't play games it'll be dangerous
If you fuck me over
Cause if I get burnt imma show you what its like to hurt
Cause I been treated like dirt before ya
And love is evil
Spell it backwards I'll show ya

Nobody knows me I'm cold
Walk down this road all alone
Its noones fault but my own
Its the path ive chosen to go
Frozen as snow I show no emotion whatsoever so
Dont ask me why I have no love for these mufuckin hoes
Bloodsuckin succubus what the fuck is up with this
Ive tried in this department but I aint had no luck with this
Its sucks but its exactly what I thought it would be
Like tryin to start over
I got a hole in my heart, I'm some kind of emotional rollercoaster
Somethin I wont go on til you toy with my emotion so its over
Its like an explosion everytime I hold ya wasnt jokin when I told ya
Ya take my breathe away
You're a supernova.. and I'm a