Self Help

Okay, so I am not even going to mention the "best" friend who is really pathetic in this blog. That matter seems really irrelevant to this one.

My nephews birthday was yesterday. They had a party for him like always at "their" house which tons of people came to I am sure. I will start out by saying I was NOT invited to this event, yes the excuse "you don't have to invite family" is a lovely one indeed but, taking in to consideration the recent "family" problems...I am not showing up uninvited. I did find out about the party a few hours before it happened, my mom went, don't remember being asked to go either. I could of happened, but I doubt it.

Reason one for not going besides the obvious "not getting invited" or being notified of the party at all, OR even having contact with that part of my family in 2 or 3 weeks...I don't have any money for a gift. Yes, presents don't mean much, and a 10 or fifteen dollar present is not that important anyways. If you were to take into account the fact that I have spent quite a bit of money on them over the last year, which I did not mind, then I guess that would be reason enough. I still don't want to show up empty handed.

I could bitch about the fact that I don't have money is "all her fault" but, It is not her fault at all. I take responsibility for not having a job. The fact that she CONVENIENTLY did not need me the VERY same day the Betsy bus was over, well I am sure that was just a coincidence. She can throw all the legit reasons out there and the fact that I was not needed as a ride anymore is still the most logical one. I was supposed to babysit, then WITHOUT being asked It got turned into a taxi service. If I was asked, it would of been different. Looking back on it, I am glad I don't "work" for her anymore. That was a rough time in my life, no one knows half the stuff that went on that attributed to my attitude. I am not "good" enough to watch her kids, not "christian" enough, not conservative enough, I might not yell at her son every time he looks at a "girl" toy. Of course, this is just the way I feel. She has never actually said those words. To be honest, I feel all of those things from her husband, not from her that much. I understand she wanted someone more "mature" to watch them, and I am sure that is the reason. As sarcastic as I am about the "bus" thing, that could of actually been a coincidence. To me though, at that time, it was the only thing that made sense. I guess, another contributor to my "attitude" around this time was, I was sick of seeing her being a mom, and wife. I wanted her to JUST be my sister again. I guess I will never have that again, which is understandable, I just miss it. I don't say it but, I miss it.

I always put those kids first, I learned to much from keeping them. In hindsight, I wish I would of enjoyed it more. I get so nervous with them, scared to death they will get hurt or choke or something, maybe I was too protective at times. Near the end, I was living in my personal hell, not anything to do with them, just emotionally hit a wall. I am still kind of hitting that wall only, no where near as hard. I miss them, everyday. If not for them when I was actually going through "personal" issues, I don't think I would of lasted that long. Those kids gave my life meaning, now...I feel like I have none at times. They loved me for me, they didn't judge because they have not learned how to yet. They let me know that no matter how "bad" things seemed in my "real" life, I was important. Now I don't have them. I don't have that feeling anymore. I need to learn to live without it I guess, considering the whole reason I started writing this was because I just got accused TWICE of not caring about my nephew. Now I know that one of those times was a misunderstanding but, when my mom said it just meant it. I yell, and it makes me angry to ever get accused of something like that. I guess no one sees or cares that I cry, a lot. I don't like seeing them. I let them down. They need people in there lives that they can look up to, it has been made clear that I don't fall under that category. Which I somewhat understand. I can't stand the kids even being here, I hate it. It kills me. They used to be mine for a few days a week, now it is like that never happened. In no way does that mean I don't care about my nephew...that accusation is disgusting.

The other reason I did not go, or would of chose not to if I had in fact, been invited is...I don't like that house. The house they live in is the same house I spent many, many days and nights in growing up. The same house I begged to go to every chance I got. The same house I lost a part of myself in that I will never get back. I watched my grandfather take his last breath from the window of the living room in that house. If there was one moment in my life that I can remember EVERY single detail to, it would be that one. Every word, look, sound, emotion, everything. There has not been one time that I have been at that house and not thought about my grandfather. I know it happened when I was in the 5th grade, I should not still be upset over it but, that day changed me. It was the first time a death really affected me. No one, knows what I went through. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, which sounds twisted I know but, I don' like looking weak I guess. I really don't know why I act that way with death. I do know I cry, every time I think about it though. The reason that house bothers me is because it is completely different. I don't like change, at all. It sounds stupid and petty but them changing that house felt like them erasing my grandfather. I understand how stupid that sounds and I should not feel that way but, I do.

I don't care that much for my sister's husband either. I know he is a great guy, and all I want is him to treat her and the kids good. As far as I can tell he is amazing. He does so much for his family which makes him really hard to dislike, I still manage to though. Once again, all my reasons are dumb. I don't like the fact he took my sister away from me, I don't like the fact he changed everything, I don't like the fact like because of him my family has had many problems, because of him I saw how cruel my parents can be. None of these reasons are ANY reason to dislike him. It is not his fault my sister fell in love with him, and it is not his fault my parents showed their ignorance involving their close mindedness. I just did not want to have to go through that. Not having her in my life for a period of time was not her fault or his fault, that falls on my parents. That does not mean I don't still hold him responsible for everything. He is a much easier target. Trying to hate my parents or sister for it is nearly impossible. I know I should get over it but, like many other things in my life, I can't let things go. I don't agree with the way he thinks, we are two very different people. He gets on my nerves at times with the way he cares, which is way too much at times. With that said, none of that matters to me, he is a wonderful person and I can't deny that fact but, I still hold him responsible for a lot that has went wrong. I don't know how to let that go. I spent way to many nights crying over not being able to see my sister because of him to just let it go. Funny thing is, until I started writing this, I didn't understand why I felt the way I do towards him. Maybe now that I understand it, I can work towards fixing it.

I started writing this to bitch and vent, now I have been crying for the last hour. I guess that normally happens when I start writing out of anger. The fact that I use anger to cover up every other emotion is most likely the reason. I don't mean to, it just happens. That is something my parents will never understand. All we do is fight, I love them more then they will EVER know, they don't believe that though...even when I say it. I understand, I tell them they don't "really" know me and, if they would take the time to listen to me rather then judge and accuse me of things they might better understand me. Of course they just claim to know me and rattle of a bunch of negative words to describe me, most true, on the outside. Inside I am much deeper, I have not yet figured it out though. Sometimes I stop trying to understand the way I feel about certain things because it scares me. I am not sure I know the difference between how I really feel and, how my parents say I feel. I don't know, it is as confusing as it sounds.

I have changed so much in the last few months, ever since I had that big falling out with my family. I have looked at life so differently, in a more positive way. I feel that slowly backtracking and, I am trying to stop it. My parents are understandably angry with me but, I don't know how to make them understand. They see me doing "nothing" and they point that out every chance they get. I am not doing "nothing" I am working on myself, which sounds like a excuse, maybe it is but, it seemed to of helped. I cant explain what I am talking about, I can but, it don't really make any sense. I literally broke, my own personal rock bottom not to long ago. I felt like I had nothing and no one. Of course that was untrue but, reality and, the way I felt were not on the same viewpoint.

As far as what to do with my life now, I don't know. I don't feel strong enough to do anything, I don't want to break like I have before. I want to be confident in everything and live up to my potential. I feel stronger, not strong enough. I am a working on it. Everyday. I look up different careers, colleges, places to live, cities I would like. It might not seem like much but to me, it is all apart of the bigger picture. I am not going to just go out and hope for the best, eventually I will but, I am lucky enough to be able to research and that is what I am doing. I want out of here, I want to start my life. I just broke completely in half a few months ago and since then I have started thinking like a whole new person. I am thankful and grateful for everything I have. I just want a different lifestyle. I don't want to live around here, I am searching for something I can relate to. I am terrified, but it gets better every day, until I get yelled at that is. I will figure it out, I am in no rush. I want to have a degree in college by the time I am 27. Before then is soooo much better but, as a target. I am looking for something more then a "degree" I am looking for meaning. Until I find it, money, power, none of it means anything. To me anyways. School was a awful awful time for me, never good enough, so self conscience about everything. I know it is college, and things are different there but, I want to be more comfortable with myself before I go back. I want to get the most out of the experience. I want to take public speaking classes and classes that I would of never thought about taking a few months ago. I am not ready for that yet though and, I don't want that to hurt my chances of succeeding. If I can get over some issues and have more confidence I might actually be able to reach some of my dream goals. I wish people would respect that, I know me better then anyone else. I will not let anything hold me back because I am "scared" anymore but, I need to feel able to handle it. I am about 70% there, maybe not that much. Depends on the day.

I want a career that is not going to be easy no matter how I go about it. I don't know if I want to work in journalism because besides the fact that I am horrible at spelling and grammar, I only want to write about certain topics which, is not a option. I would love to go into photography, not commercial photography but, creative photography. Something my budget would never allow. Of course any aspect of the entertainment business, from music, TV, movies, theater, tours, all behind the scenes of course. I am so interested in the production of everything. Lighting, sound mixing, travel, production set up, management, costumes, make up, writing budgeting, venue set up. Anything really, any small or big part that helps put together a entertaining piece for someone. From a picture to a play, movie, song, concert anything. I have no interest what so ever in fame, fortune, partying, the glamor of the business. I like what goes on behind the scenes. Jobs are very competitive, very. I would love to work in fashion and theatrical make up but, I find that to be more of a stretch for me artistically. I might enjoy it the most but, I don't think I am the best at it. Also, on a more realistic level sociology and public relations are very interesting to me. I don't know, I will figure it out. ME, not anyone else.

Wow, I just wanted to bitch about some stuff and it turned into a self therapy session...go figure.

I am sure no one will read this (probably best that way) but, excuse all the grammar and spelling mistakes.