Amusing

I am basically writing to stay awake. I went to sleep at 10 this morning and woke up at 1:30. Not much sleep but, better then nothing. I am still laughing about last night. I will never understand the way the mind of "trash" works. I have seen stories like this happen though, on Jerry Springer. I did not know those people were real, I thought they were paid actors. Take a nice little trip to Valdese and you can film a whole season, maybe two. The Redneck ninja "ain't got nuttin" on these people. I am pretty sure I have mentioned before how badly I want to move out of this town, state, country. I am in search for intelligence. I will not give up, I know smart people exist, just not sure how to find them.

Hickville

Okay, it is 6 in the morning, just got off the phone with Sarah. I will start from the beginning. Sarah texts me saying she is sorry and stuff, kinda a long text. She says that she broke up with James which I knew was coming, just didn't care at the time. I called her since texting her is not free at the time. I honestly had all intentions on hearing her cry about how she broke up with him then, hanging up. I had already told myself that when the day comes and, she calls me crying over breaking up with him that I would not care. Things did not go as planned. She answers and tells me she is at the police station with her dad which, immediately makes my heart stop. I thought he had hit her or, something worse had happened. I soon found out that he dented her car, I was relived that it was just her car that he had punched. After my reaction when she told me she was at the police station I realized, I could not just hang up. I love this girl and, even though these last few months have been hell, I have hope for the future. I mean obviously it is really over this time considering her dad is big time involved now. We started talking like we used to, before James. I can never hate her, I get so mad I say I hate her but, the day where I truly truly hate her will never come. Oh the best part of the night was when his sister called me...

So, I wrote Sarah a message on facebook. A really long message, mainly just about her and I. I did write in it that he was a "worthless bastard" but, I also said right after that "I wish the best for him, I hope he finds someone one day and treats her right." That's right, I said "I WISH THE BEST FOR HIM", pretty damn nice if I do say so myself. Yes, I called him a "worthless bastard" I just call it like I see it. I was however positive and was implying that one day, maybe he won't be a worthless bastard. He could grow up and realize the way he treated Sarah was wrong, therefore becoming a person I could one day, someday, a long time from now, possibly respect. Maybe. Considering all the crap he has talked about me behind my back for months now, I don't see why he cares about what I have to say about him, way out in the open for him to see. I did later remove the post. It was meant for Sarah, that is why I said it on HER page. Glad he saw it though, more happy about him seeing what was written under it. Nothing "bad" just Sarah and I talking about she is a free woman. Ya know that has got to sting. Anyways, I get a call from a "privet" number. I wonder who it could be...haha. I don't answer because I have nothing to say to anyone in "hickville" I don't do drama. So I get a voice mail. Joy. It is his lovely sister, first thing she says is that she called from privet so I would not have her number (which I already have). If you don't want someone to have your number, don't leave a voice mail that clearly states: "YOU HAVE A VOICE MAIL FROM #_ _ _-_ _ _-_ _ _ _." Yeah, I am just going to leave that one alone now, haha. Long story short, I did not pay attention to half the shit that was said. I did hear that if she ever sees me in public she will "beat my face in" or "beat my ass" one of those, like it matters. I can't really understand her or, I tune her out, something like that. I will never respond to her, I have no room for trash like that in my life. Who honestly "fights" outside of high school? She is older then me twenty something, not sure. Grow up, I would never waste my time with a person or, family so worthless.

I have been working real hard on being positive, not hating people, being nice, and trying to trust in people. I slipped a bit tonight, called the most repulsive person I have ever met a bastard and, I will never apologize for it. I will however, forget he ever existed. No room for that kind of hate in my life. It is all about love from here on out. Him and his family can say all they want about me, it has no impact anymore. Love overcomes hate. Always.

Did I mention Sarah is single? Shit yeah. I hope we can work on US, that sounds a lil weird but, she is like my sister. Everything will be okay. I know it will.

Picture of the day

I am trying to not fight hate with hate. I guess this picture is not the nicest way to get the message across BUT, it made me laugh.





This one is much better though, gets the point across with LOVE.

Good News

So, yesterday Prop 8 was considered unconstitutional in California which is great news. I personally think it is sad that this is even having to happen but, it is. Moving in the right direction at the very least. I am pretty sure I am the only person, in my circle of family and friends, that cares or, is happy about the news. The only other responses I have heard regarding Prop 8 is either, they think it is disgusting they allow same sex couples to get married or, they don't care. It really does not bother me much anymore. People around here don't feel like it is "right", most were raised that way. I was raised that way, I however, do not feel like it is wrong. I think everyone should be allowed to love whoever they want no matter the sex, race, religion, or any other differences. I am straight, I was born that way, if someone took away my rights because I was straight, that would not be very fair. One day I hope everything is equal. It might be one day, it is just a personal preference, I don't see why everyone makes such a big deal out of it. A lot of straight people don't speak out for equal rights because it does not affect them personally, which I used to understand. I have been working on changing myself, I have been working really hard on loving myself and, loving others. I can't really trust anyone enough to have a relationship right now. It is just not the right time I will know when it is. Instead of trying to find a boyfriend or, worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, I have tried to love people in general. I used to be a person who literally hated people. I always thought the worst, which in my own defense, a lot of people have shown me just how cruel the world is but, I have decided to look past it. That includes loving all people. I don't like everyone and, those are the people who will not be in my life. No ill wishes to them, I will just not have them be a part of my life. I look at the inner person these days not, the skin color, the fashion choices, the person they sleep with, that stuff means nothing. The sweetest soul could be behind a mask of any kind. You don't have to agree on a persons lifestyle choices to love that person or, befriend them. I am white but, I have friends of many colors. It took awhile for people to accept that every race should have rights, in time every sexual orientation will have rights too.

Update

I have been writing a lot lately. Trying to figure a lot out, not sure where that has gotten me. I feel like at the end of this month I will see things more clearly and, have a direction. I don't know why I feel so strongly about this but I do. I am not sure what my vision for myself will be at the end of this month but, I feel I will have one. I guess only time will tell, I hope I am right though. I can not make progress towards anything unless I feel like it is the absolute right path at the right time. I am sure I will change my mind but, I have to have that confidence in order to actually have a chance at success. Most people don't understand. I really couldn't care less anymore if people understand. I know what is right for me, they can talk shit all they want. I am not someone who gets pressured into doing things, not bad things and, not things that people "think" are good things to help me. Nope, sorry, I will let you know what is "good" for me. I am the only one who really knows me, after all. I will prove one day that I am right, as for now, I will just keep searching, as it becomes a little clearer everyday.

Also, I have always stated that I trust no one and, that statement has never been more true. Sarah, is no longer in my life, at all. I don't want her in my life. She needs to grow up. She lies to me, her boyfriend, her family. I could say so much more but, I won't. She is going down the wrong road, I have been there for her for the last 9 years and, 9 years might have been a few years too many. She obviously only cares about herself. Everyone has a choice in the life they live, her acting like her only choice is to be treated like shit everyday by someone who makes her physically ill, not an excuse anymore. I have stood up for her for months. I don't know one person who "really" knows the situation, that has one good thing to say about her. My own family who has loved her like a daughter for the last 9 years can't stand her anymore. Last time we didn't talk for about 2 weeks and she said how unhappy she was and, how she missed me, she needed me in her life. I think that was all bullshit. I know what she says about her boyfriend behind his back and the fact that she always ALWAYS kisses his ass and I never even talk to her, I can only imagine what she says about me. Not that I really care anymore. I will always love her but, unless she is single I will have NOTHING to do with her. I need people I can count on in my life. I thought I could always count on her, I guess that is where I messed up. I don't give second chances much, third ones very rarely and, she is at chance 30 by now. Back to trusting no one.

Wicked.

It’s not that deep, it’s deeper. The world stands stronger yet, grows weaker. United they stand, united we fall. The quake has shaken but, the sprit never broken. They can not ridicule, what is not revealed to them. Chose to travel a path with many markings, sold your essence to the demons lurking, in the position of conformity. Faceless in a crowd of many, voiceless in a song of shame, time will divide the gifted from the wicked.


EDIT: My sister thinks this piece of writing is dark. In a way it could be considered dark but, the piece itself is about, being different and not going with the "crowd". The world growing stronger is referring to technology and knowledge. Growing weaker represents the economy, natural disasters, global warming. The "demons" represent people who are all alike. Being voiceless in a song of shame is meaning, you are singing the same song everyone else is simply because you are told to. The gifted are the ones who make their own decisions, are true to themselves. The wicked are the ones who go along with what they are told to do, what "everyone" thinks is the "right" way.

Just thought I would clear it up. haha

Maya-Aztect

According to the Maya-Aztect reading I just received, here are a few facts about me...I have a Dog personality? Okay...sure. I can see this being accurate though.

Many Dog personalities are very creative. The arts, particularly music and drawing or painting may appeal to you. While you are usually not particularly daring or experimental in these areas, you have a good sense of harmony and rhythm and have the potential to become quite popular. You approach your art form as a craft to be learned and mastered -- you are technique conscious.

It is probable that your father was your most influential parent. He may have provided you with a legacy, financial or career-wise. Such an arrangement often creates a situation where you have no choice but to follow the pattern set by your parent. For some of you, this situation is not so favorable. There may be rivalry between yourself and your father and much time may be spent in rebellion. Ultimately, you must make peace with your parents, and accept what you were given or whatever you were not given. From a larger cultural perspective you may experience your homeland as father or parent, leading to a strong loyalty, and possibly political interest, in community, city or country.

One of the problems that you may have in close relationships has to do with emotional maturity. You have strong feelings about territory and can be quite jealous when it comes to sharing and trusting in relationships. You need to know clearly just what the pecking order is and where the boundary lines are drawn.