3 Doors Down - It's The Only One You've Got [Lyrics]

THIS.
IS.
A.
REALLY.
GOOD.
SONG.
:)

Good Day

James got cussed out by a bunch of people.
I got to catch up on sleep.
I got to see Cari for a VERY SHORT 2 minuets while they came and got the battery.
My concert is getting closer every day.
So yes, today has been a pretty good day.

Bad new, my "plans" with Cari this weekend are probably not going to happen. I will still see her I hope but, the actual plans we made are most likely not going to fall through. I am not surprised though, plans NEVER happen. Everything will work out, regardless what we do or, don't do. As for now, I am going to go make some chicken. Sarah will be here after work for the night.

Just cuz.

Blog hoe

Hmmmmm...I am in a strangely good mood now. I guess because I have stayed in my room away from the haters. I have been listening to the play-list's from the last year. Every play-list has a different memory...Most bad but, still. lol

Shinedown - Shed Some Light

This pretty much says it all...








"Shed Some Light"

I'm falling apart again
And I can't find a way to make amends
And I'm looking in both directions
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I'm still getting over who I was
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are
It's who you know
And I see clearly now, which way to go
I remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll...
Tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll believe
Something I'll believe

Done venting

Through with my venting, it's not smart for me to write when I am balling my eyes out. For some reason that is the time when I want to write most though. In my last blog I almost forgot the fact that, what they say means nothing. No one knows me but me, for that very reason. You can't bitch about what you don't know. No matter what I do, they will always find something wrong with it. I am not worthless, despite what they think. They will see one day or, they won't, either way I will know I have made the right decisions for me. I know they love me, I just wish they could understand me. Then again, I don't think I am a person that is easy to understand. They don't know the reasons behind anything. Also they don't see me cry all the time because I wish I could support them. My dad is way to old to work as hard as he does. I would give anything to be able to support them for a change. I don't want him working, he has worked all his life, he deserves a break. That is why I get so upset when they say I don't care or, I don't appreciate anything. They have no idea the tears I have cried weekly, sometimes daily because of how much I know they do and, have done for me. I will never be good enough though, ever. I didn't want anyone going to my graduation because I was nothing special. All my cousins were the top of their class. When I say ALL I mean ALL, at least on my dad's side. I am pretty sure everyone was just surprised I didn't drop out. Like the day I was so proud of my report card when I made all A's and B's. I showed my grandmother, who is dead now, my report card and she looked at it like it was all F's and said "did you not study?" I guess I have always been disappointing. One day I won't be though, I will find someone or, a group of people who appreciate me. I am giving up on ever being good enough for this family. I am almost certain I will not be attending any family events around the holidays. I will have a job by then and I will pay them to let me work. Any reason to not have to sit with my cousins, The Minister, The Doctor and, The Lawyer all close to my age. You can't make this shit up. I love them all but, nothing I have to say will ever compete with anything they have to say. Plus, I know having me as a daughter is embarrassing. I can't imagine having to sit at a table with my sister and brothers perfect children and, have to claim me. Not even just my personality or grades, the way I look in general is embarrassing compared to the others. Whenever I am around them, I feel the need to act a certain way, dress like them, say things I don't mean, ect... I will not change for anyone and, no one should ever feel like they have to. I will never be like them, I don't want to be but, I will not be there to get their little looks. Almost like they feel sorry for me, they don't know that one day, I will be feeling sorry for them. I will be happy, maybe not as much money as them but, happy. I am sure they will be too, just not the same. It's just so hard to do anything when you have never been good enough, not for anyone or, anything. I used to want to be in a relationship just so I would feel good enough for someone, that still has not happened. I could be with someone, just no one I want to be with. Everyone I have liked I have never been good enough for, ever. Strung along a few times but, in the end, pretty much told to my face I was not good enough. I will never again try to be good enough for anyone. I have no interest in being with anyone, not sure if I ever will. Not until I can handle not being good enough, again.

pissed

I am super excited!!
Normally when I am excited for something, nothing goes right. I really hope the next few weeks do not disappoint. Saturday I am going to the fair with Cari, Jake and, her parents. A guy her dad works with is singing and, he is really good. Country is not my thing but, I love live music so I am looking forward to it. I am staying with her that night after the fair, she is preggers so, our crazy times are over (for now) but, nothing really changes. She can have all the kids she wants, nothing will ever change between us. Things will change but, not a bad change. If anything her having a baby is the best thing to happen for everyone. She will be the best mom and, we can't party like we used to. As much fun as that was, I think I will just keep the crazy memories and be a little more non-crazy from now on. We were talking today and I told her about Sarah's little adventure from the other night. We agreed that all her nights that she will ever have could not live up to ONE of our nights. I can party with the best of em' but, I just have no interest in doing that anymore. No regrets but, it was starting to get old, always fun but, it just didn't feel right anymore. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I see happy couples, families, successful people and, I don't think I will ever have any of that. I don't even know if I want it. I just want to be happy. When I am out having a good time, I always think about how tomorrow nothing changes. I will still be in this pathetic town, alone, with no clue what I want out of life. Makes being happy nearly impossible. For the next two weeks I have things to look forward to. I get to spend time with my best friend then, the next week I get to spend the weekend with my sister, just us, for the best freaking concert EVER. After that, It's back to nothing, again. Finding a dead end job, saving up for college where I will either get a degree I don't want or, one I can't use. Great. Maybe a miracle will happen.

All I need is thirty five dollars to get a shirt at the concert. I have asked my parents for the last 2 months if I could do something for them to earn the money. I never expected to get money for doing nothing, I have said this MANY times. Every time I asked to do something they said no. I am so damn sick of living here. I want a freaking shirt, wow, it's not like they have bought me clothes in over two years anyways. when I had money I even bought my own damn food. It's pretty pathetic that I used to have that in a week now I have to be worked like a bitch in order to buy myself one thing in over 4 months. The best part is my mom said she would buy me it but, of course she acts like she never said that when my dad is around. I might not be that upset about it if they did not just talk shit about me to family members on the phone. I forgot that money is better spent on steaks every week and, whatever my mom wants. Oh I forgot, I got a pair of shoes the other day, 3 whole bucks. First pair of shoes in 3 years bought by them. I don't want ANYTHING from them. If this is her way of showing she wanted to go to the concert, she is about as mature as the Valdese crowd. I hate not having money, I hate using others money, I hate being stuck at home for the last 4 months cuz I have no money to even put gas in my car. No one understands or cares, I get yelled at for not having a job but, it's not like I don't want one. There are so many reasons, no point in crying about it here though. Every time I feel like it's getting better my parents put me right back in the mindset of how worthless I am. Getting yelled at and, talked down to is not going to help anything. It makes me upset, beyond words. Not one person knows the shit I had to go through from 7th grade through the last damn day of high school. I guess I will get worked like a dog for two weeks in order to have one souvenir. I don't think being my dad's slave is worth a damn shirt. Then again maybe it is. I am to upset and, pissed off to think right now. One good day in this house is asking too much. Right now I defiantly miss the old days with Cari. Bad.