Ummm.

So, for some reason today my mom is being decent to me. I swear our relationship is bipolar. I always love her, she thinks I don't or says she thinks I don't. Ridiculous. She is in a bad mood most of the time, which I mean bills and stuff I guess I understand. I am an acquired taste haha, sometimes we fight but that don't mean I don't love her. I don't think she gets how different I really am these days, If I am happy, it seems like she is in a bad mood. I think that was the other way around a few months ago. It is like my parents have two different personalities. They have the side that is caring and understanding and then, the other side...which we will not discuss. It is not a pretty site, I guess I have that same problem. I am either in a really good mood or, the worst mood ever. I guess my point being that, my mom is actually in a good mood, I don't think she gets how much I do like talking to her. My dad too, when he is in a good mood. Like when we go on vacation somewhere he is in a completely different mood, so nice. We never get along it seems but, on vacation, we get along great. As soon as we get home...not so great. My mom is wanting my sister to go with me to see Allison and Adam, I think that would be pretty cool. I am not sure if she would go or, even wants to. I know she likes Allison but, lets face it my whole family is a hater when it comes to certain people. I don't care :) more for me! haha I wanted my mom to go but, she is right, putting who is performing aside, my sister and I have so much more in common. Not to mention, talent is talent, loud music and lasers make everything better. I know she would have fun, plus it is something to do together, I miss that. When it is just us, she seems more...fun? I don't know the word...haha. She is the one who got me hooked on Eminem, and I heard sooo many stories about her. I don't think we are really all that different. I think she is just a grown up and I am...getting there. Who knows, it is never too late to be young though I know that much. As for my mom, I think she wants to go to the concert but, not really. She is really pushing the idea of my sis and I going, which I am fine with. I do want to do something with my mom though, I would love to go with her to a concert less, uptempo and, more her speed. I got these tickets for free, I am sure I figure something out. haha...ok enough venting for the day.

Self Help

Okay, so I am not even going to mention the "best" friend who is really pathetic in this blog. That matter seems really irrelevant to this one.

My nephews birthday was yesterday. They had a party for him like always at "their" house which tons of people came to I am sure. I will start out by saying I was NOT invited to this event, yes the excuse "you don't have to invite family" is a lovely one indeed but, taking in to consideration the recent "family" problems...I am not showing up uninvited. I did find out about the party a few hours before it happened, my mom went, don't remember being asked to go either. I could of happened, but I doubt it.

Reason one for not going besides the obvious "not getting invited" or being notified of the party at all, OR even having contact with that part of my family in 2 or 3 weeks...I don't have any money for a gift. Yes, presents don't mean much, and a 10 or fifteen dollar present is not that important anyways. If you were to take into account the fact that I have spent quite a bit of money on them over the last year, which I did not mind, then I guess that would be reason enough. I still don't want to show up empty handed.

I could bitch about the fact that I don't have money is "all her fault" but, It is not her fault at all. I take responsibility for not having a job. The fact that she CONVENIENTLY did not need me the VERY same day the Betsy bus was over, well I am sure that was just a coincidence. She can throw all the legit reasons out there and the fact that I was not needed as a ride anymore is still the most logical one. I was supposed to babysit, then WITHOUT being asked It got turned into a taxi service. If I was asked, it would of been different. Looking back on it, I am glad I don't "work" for her anymore. That was a rough time in my life, no one knows half the stuff that went on that attributed to my attitude. I am not "good" enough to watch her kids, not "christian" enough, not conservative enough, I might not yell at her son every time he looks at a "girl" toy. Of course, this is just the way I feel. She has never actually said those words. To be honest, I feel all of those things from her husband, not from her that much. I understand she wanted someone more "mature" to watch them, and I am sure that is the reason. As sarcastic as I am about the "bus" thing, that could of actually been a coincidence. To me though, at that time, it was the only thing that made sense. I guess, another contributor to my "attitude" around this time was, I was sick of seeing her being a mom, and wife. I wanted her to JUST be my sister again. I guess I will never have that again, which is understandable, I just miss it. I don't say it but, I miss it.

I always put those kids first, I learned to much from keeping them. In hindsight, I wish I would of enjoyed it more. I get so nervous with them, scared to death they will get hurt or choke or something, maybe I was too protective at times. Near the end, I was living in my personal hell, not anything to do with them, just emotionally hit a wall. I am still kind of hitting that wall only, no where near as hard. I miss them, everyday. If not for them when I was actually going through "personal" issues, I don't think I would of lasted that long. Those kids gave my life meaning, now...I feel like I have none at times. They loved me for me, they didn't judge because they have not learned how to yet. They let me know that no matter how "bad" things seemed in my "real" life, I was important. Now I don't have them. I don't have that feeling anymore. I need to learn to live without it I guess, considering the whole reason I started writing this was because I just got accused TWICE of not caring about my nephew. Now I know that one of those times was a misunderstanding but, when my mom said it just meant it. I yell, and it makes me angry to ever get accused of something like that. I guess no one sees or cares that I cry, a lot. I don't like seeing them. I let them down. They need people in there lives that they can look up to, it has been made clear that I don't fall under that category. Which I somewhat understand. I can't stand the kids even being here, I hate it. It kills me. They used to be mine for a few days a week, now it is like that never happened. In no way does that mean I don't care about my nephew...that accusation is disgusting.

The other reason I did not go, or would of chose not to if I had in fact, been invited is...I don't like that house. The house they live in is the same house I spent many, many days and nights in growing up. The same house I begged to go to every chance I got. The same house I lost a part of myself in that I will never get back. I watched my grandfather take his last breath from the window of the living room in that house. If there was one moment in my life that I can remember EVERY single detail to, it would be that one. Every word, look, sound, emotion, everything. There has not been one time that I have been at that house and not thought about my grandfather. I know it happened when I was in the 5th grade, I should not still be upset over it but, that day changed me. It was the first time a death really affected me. No one, knows what I went through. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, which sounds twisted I know but, I don' like looking weak I guess. I really don't know why I act that way with death. I do know I cry, every time I think about it though. The reason that house bothers me is because it is completely different. I don't like change, at all. It sounds stupid and petty but them changing that house felt like them erasing my grandfather. I understand how stupid that sounds and I should not feel that way but, I do.

I don't care that much for my sister's husband either. I know he is a great guy, and all I want is him to treat her and the kids good. As far as I can tell he is amazing. He does so much for his family which makes him really hard to dislike, I still manage to though. Once again, all my reasons are dumb. I don't like the fact he took my sister away from me, I don't like the fact he changed everything, I don't like the fact like because of him my family has had many problems, because of him I saw how cruel my parents can be. None of these reasons are ANY reason to dislike him. It is not his fault my sister fell in love with him, and it is not his fault my parents showed their ignorance involving their close mindedness. I just did not want to have to go through that. Not having her in my life for a period of time was not her fault or his fault, that falls on my parents. That does not mean I don't still hold him responsible for everything. He is a much easier target. Trying to hate my parents or sister for it is nearly impossible. I know I should get over it but, like many other things in my life, I can't let things go. I don't agree with the way he thinks, we are two very different people. He gets on my nerves at times with the way he cares, which is way too much at times. With that said, none of that matters to me, he is a wonderful person and I can't deny that fact but, I still hold him responsible for a lot that has went wrong. I don't know how to let that go. I spent way to many nights crying over not being able to see my sister because of him to just let it go. Funny thing is, until I started writing this, I didn't understand why I felt the way I do towards him. Maybe now that I understand it, I can work towards fixing it.

I started writing this to bitch and vent, now I have been crying for the last hour. I guess that normally happens when I start writing out of anger. The fact that I use anger to cover up every other emotion is most likely the reason. I don't mean to, it just happens. That is something my parents will never understand. All we do is fight, I love them more then they will EVER know, they don't believe that though...even when I say it. I understand, I tell them they don't "really" know me and, if they would take the time to listen to me rather then judge and accuse me of things they might better understand me. Of course they just claim to know me and rattle of a bunch of negative words to describe me, most true, on the outside. Inside I am much deeper, I have not yet figured it out though. Sometimes I stop trying to understand the way I feel about certain things because it scares me. I am not sure I know the difference between how I really feel and, how my parents say I feel. I don't know, it is as confusing as it sounds.

I have changed so much in the last few months, ever since I had that big falling out with my family. I have looked at life so differently, in a more positive way. I feel that slowly backtracking and, I am trying to stop it. My parents are understandably angry with me but, I don't know how to make them understand. They see me doing "nothing" and they point that out every chance they get. I am not doing "nothing" I am working on myself, which sounds like a excuse, maybe it is but, it seemed to of helped. I cant explain what I am talking about, I can but, it don't really make any sense. I literally broke, my own personal rock bottom not to long ago. I felt like I had nothing and no one. Of course that was untrue but, reality and, the way I felt were not on the same viewpoint.

As far as what to do with my life now, I don't know. I don't feel strong enough to do anything, I don't want to break like I have before. I want to be confident in everything and live up to my potential. I feel stronger, not strong enough. I am a working on it. Everyday. I look up different careers, colleges, places to live, cities I would like. It might not seem like much but to me, it is all apart of the bigger picture. I am not going to just go out and hope for the best, eventually I will but, I am lucky enough to be able to research and that is what I am doing. I want out of here, I want to start my life. I just broke completely in half a few months ago and since then I have started thinking like a whole new person. I am thankful and grateful for everything I have. I just want a different lifestyle. I don't want to live around here, I am searching for something I can relate to. I am terrified, but it gets better every day, until I get yelled at that is. I will figure it out, I am in no rush. I want to have a degree in college by the time I am 27. Before then is soooo much better but, as a target. I am looking for something more then a "degree" I am looking for meaning. Until I find it, money, power, none of it means anything. To me anyways. School was a awful awful time for me, never good enough, so self conscience about everything. I know it is college, and things are different there but, I want to be more comfortable with myself before I go back. I want to get the most out of the experience. I want to take public speaking classes and classes that I would of never thought about taking a few months ago. I am not ready for that yet though and, I don't want that to hurt my chances of succeeding. If I can get over some issues and have more confidence I might actually be able to reach some of my dream goals. I wish people would respect that, I know me better then anyone else. I will not let anything hold me back because I am "scared" anymore but, I need to feel able to handle it. I am about 70% there, maybe not that much. Depends on the day.

I want a career that is not going to be easy no matter how I go about it. I don't know if I want to work in journalism because besides the fact that I am horrible at spelling and grammar, I only want to write about certain topics which, is not a option. I would love to go into photography, not commercial photography but, creative photography. Something my budget would never allow. Of course any aspect of the entertainment business, from music, TV, movies, theater, tours, all behind the scenes of course. I am so interested in the production of everything. Lighting, sound mixing, travel, production set up, management, costumes, make up, writing budgeting, venue set up. Anything really, any small or big part that helps put together a entertaining piece for someone. From a picture to a play, movie, song, concert anything. I have no interest what so ever in fame, fortune, partying, the glamor of the business. I like what goes on behind the scenes. Jobs are very competitive, very. I would love to work in fashion and theatrical make up but, I find that to be more of a stretch for me artistically. I might enjoy it the most but, I don't think I am the best at it. Also, on a more realistic level sociology and public relations are very interesting to me. I don't know, I will figure it out. ME, not anyone else.

Wow, I just wanted to bitch about some stuff and it turned into a self therapy session...go figure.

I am sure no one will read this (probably best that way) but, excuse all the grammar and spelling mistakes.

Hot.

It is sooooo hot these days. Anyways...I am watching some tornado thing on the weather channel...sick. I love stuff like that. I am talking to Sarah, I guess she is going to be single soon...I hope, if not this friendship is not going to be that great. So, lets see...I know she don't want to live like this, she is just scared. I want to be mad at her but when she cries...its impossible. I love the girl...which is why I refuse to see her miserable like she is. Oh well, going to bed.

DONE

Yep, Sarah came over. The night went okay, I guess. She did fight with that thing she claims but, nothing over the top. I thought the night went okay all together. It was really good to spend time with her after 4 months. I asked her yesterday not to just get up and leave the next day so we could hangout a little more before she left, since she didn't get to my house till almost eleven at night. She said she wouldn't because he didn't wake up till after twelve anyways. So this morning I wake up, no Sarah anywhere...she just got up and left without even saying bye. That is pretty much the last straw for me. Ya know, when I went to her house earlier that day (which of course James don't know about) and all she did was fight with him on the phone, I thought that would be the end of it. I heard every word he had to say for over a hour. How many times can someone call you a "stupid fucking whore" and tell you "I hope you die, I hope when your driving you get hit by a tractor trailer and die" It is disgusting. I love her so much but, that is ridiculous. When she grows up I will love to have her in my life, until then, I can't do this anymore. It hurts to bad to see someone I love and consider my family to go through this everyday. If she wants out of this mess I am here for her but, I have done all I can do. It is up to her now. Congratulations you stupid bastard, you get her all to yourself now. Have a wonderful life...she is not happy but, you don't care. Oh well, I am moving on to positive things which I have been doing for the last few months. Drama is not in my life anymore and I plan to keep it that way. On the other had I found some quotes I really love...



If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. ~Frank A. Clark


We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive



People are pretty much alike. It's only that our differences are more susceptible to definition than our similarities. ~Linda Ellerbee


The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. ~Lynn Lavner



No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. ~Rita Mae Brown, speech, 28 August 1982


Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. ~Henry Emerson Fosdick


Present your family and friends with their eulogies now - they won't be able to hear how much you love them and appreciate them from inside the coffin. ~Anonymous

Lyrics of the Day

Artist: The Citizen Vein

Song: Beyond The Sky

All we wanna know is where we're goin’ when we die
All this killing so we can reach beyond the sky
Set us ablaze and wander deserted
Ignorance plays in
Truth is averted.

Song: Chalice

this burning desire isn't a face
come inside, I'm changing my way
no one alive will have a restraint
everyone lies and justice is raped
everyone lies and justice is raped

who to trust
through the dusk
weapons of lust turned to dust
who to need from the greed
weapons of lust stolen from under us
everything's right the chalice is raised.

Song: Rough Trade

You've got a gift to give, and
The shadows come and go, and
You've got a gift to get, oh
Rough trade
Rough trade
I'm not preaching, I just wanna tell you
Don't buy what these people will sell you
I'm not preaching, I just wanna tell you
I made a rough trade


My Daddy raised by the Sinner
Told Devil lies with dinner
Three meals, the ones to have holy crusade
Rough trade

Writers Block

I write different things all the time, some are really good. Most are not. I still do it because I enjoy it. I have been trying to write for the last three days and nothing I come up with satisfies me, so I am just going to blog *sad face*.

I talked to Sarah for a long time last night, productive talk. I love talking to her when she is able to say what she wants. She is such a smart girl (minus the blond moments) I wish she could see that. She is my best friend. I have known her forever and I love her like she is my own family. The fact certain people think I would EVER go away is really funny to me. I am never going anywhere, ever. I can say I am, I can not talk to her, yell at her, do whatever but I will never be gone for good. I love her with all of my heart. She is my sister. She misses being her strong, independent self that she was three years ago. I hope she sees soon that she is still that person, I love her no matter what but, I LIKE her so much more when she is the real her. Nothing happens over night, I just want her to stop letting people talk to her like she is trash and fill her head with lies. If you hear stuff about yourself over and over you start to believe it. I can call her a "bad" friend but she is not. I know her, I know it's not her fault. I look crazy justifying her actions but I love her, and our friendship has made it over some RUFF patches, this aint nothin'. To people who think I am "going away" from her life, remember that when you are eating your words.

astrology

Well this is just great...


Sun in Capricorn:

Achievement through discipline is one of your keynotes in this lifetime. To fulfill your soul purpose you will need much patience, tenacity, endurance, and most likely a long period of apprenticeship or labor. You are equipped by nature to withstand the periods of self-denial, austerity, grueling study, repetitive practice, or "doing without" that your path in life requires. Serious about your aims and, above all, a realist, you are willing to pay your dues in order to get where you want to go, and whether your goal is spiritual attainment, development of a talent, or material success, you want to go to the top. Some degree of rigorous training or hardship (inner or outer) is apt to be a prerequisite to your eventual achievement, Ashley , and unlike apparently "luckier" souls, you have to work hard and pull your own weight early in life. Often, too, you have to wait, to delay gratification, and plan your strategies very carefully and shrewdly in order to gain your desired ends. Through this, you develop a certain toughness and firmness, emotional detachment, inner resourcefulness and self-determination, which keeps you going when the road gets a little rocky on the way to the pinnacle you are aiming for. One pitfall you need to beware of is your tendency to become hardened and cynical, secretly envious of those whose way is less orduous or whose outlook and attitude is more trusting and carefree (irresponsible and immature, to your way of thinking). You seem to be given more "tests", frustration, responsibilities, restrictions than others, and as a result, tend to view the world as an unfriendly place or life as a struggle. It is important for you not to become bitter because of this, or to try to take shortcuts, as these will almost certainly come back to haunt you later. The first half of your life, in particular, may seem heavy or hard, while the fruits of your steady efforts come to you later. Find out more with your full-length reading...

The essence of this lifetime is that you must prove yourself, Ashley , and this you know at a deep level, and feel as a sort of inner pressure. (it can be next to impossible to get you to relax and enjoy yourself, to waste time or money or anything frivolous, or to gamble on anything you are not certain will yield real, tangible benefits). Because of your very strong (even if undefined) sense of purpose. Even your recreation is apt to be done in a calculated manner. You weigh the potential risks involved, and usually on the side of safety, for you have a very strong head to know where you are going and to be in control. Thus, the true experience of play tends to elude you, since it requires letting go of control, a certain indifference to results in preference for a free flowing openness to the moment. You do have a rather dry, ironic sense of humor, and it is important for you to keep that side of you alive as it gives you balance and a healthy perspective on things